Ask Auntie Trash: How do I say "No"?

Dear Auntie Trash,

I’ve been helping a friend with the marketing materials for their Fringe show and I now regret being involved.

I’m a freelance designer, and they needed help with their posters and flyers. It should have been a day, maybe two day’s work at most, and as my friend has sunk a lot of money into coming to the festival, I agreed to work for nothing.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and they are demanding more and more of my time, rejecting my ideas with no feedback and turning on the waterworks when I tell them I’m working with my paying clients. I realise that they’re under a lot of stress right now, but I’m worried if something else is going on.

I don’t want to work on this project anymore, but I don’t want to lose my friend. What do I do?

The Lost Designer.

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Hiya pal,

Do you know what the most terrifying word to say to someone is? “No.” We’re often made to feel guilty about saying it, because there are people out there that hear “No”, and think it could be changed to a “Yes”. They think it’s a negotiation, not the end of the conversation. It’s a tiny, wonderful, liberating little word, and you need to find the courage to say it. Let’s practice:

“No.”

This person is taking the piss. You stepped in to help them out, because you are a good friend, and you had the skills to get them out of this mess. You can make as many excuses as you want for them, that it’s stress, maybe there’s something going on that you don’t know about, what if their mother is dying and they JUST HAVEN’T TOLD YOU. All of these things could be going on, but they are an explanation, not a justification for bad behaviour.

“No.”

It sounds like you don’t like conflict, but it also sounds like your friend not only knows this, but is manipulating you by “turning on the waterworks”. You know you’re being manipulated, you recognise that you’re being treated badly, and yet, you still feel loyal to this shitebag. In psychology, this is called cognitive dissonance, and it refers to a state where someone’s behaviour contrasts with their words, or their beliefs. (Trashie Tidbit: always be wary of people whose actions don’t match up with their words.) In this situation your friend is acting out of character, and you have adapted your behaviour to try and appease them, rather than changing your behaviour to help yourself. It’s understandable, especially if you’ve been friends for a long time, but it’s not healthy.

“No.”

You are worthy of being treated with respect. You are deserving of wonderful friends, but you’re feeling guilty for even considering walking away, and THAT is what they’re counting on. They believe that you will stay loyal. They can’t bear to have you leave because you are useful to them right now, thanks to your skills, and ability to absorb their bullshit and return for more. Before this project, when was the last time you heard from this person? Can you rely on them when you’re having a tough time? I reckon the answer is:

“No.”

Walk away from the project. You are being used, abused and taken advantage of. I know it’s hard and I know it’s scary. I know this because I’ve also walked away from toxic relationships; the friend of nearly 20 years, the partner of six years, the collaborator who let me down time and time again, because I recognised that they were never going to change.

Tell them you can no longer work on the project, offer to recommend another designer (but tip that designer off first). You’ve done more than enough. It’s time to let go. It’s time to say 

“No.”

You are not alone,

Trashie xxx