Would Like To Meet ...

Finding a partner is a bit like having an orgasm: get it right and it'll knock your socks off, but try too hard and it'll be a big, frustrating letdown, or, even worse, never happen.

My last boyfriend was the first big love of my life. I realise now that the feeling wasn't mutual, and my heart is still a little bruised from the battering it sustained – but I'd do it all again in a second.

Dating has been tricky so far, and having this blog and column hasn't helped. If I meet someone as 'Phoebe', then there's already a preconception of who I am based on what I've written. It's almost always wrong, and I've heard so often “You're nothing like I thought you'd be” – usually in a positive way, but occasionally I've detected an air of disappointment, like they were expecting some leather-clad vixen and not a girl in jeans.

Meeting someone without this prior knowledge has led to more than one raised eyebrow and uncomfortable silences over drinks, after which I may as well just paint a scarlet letter on my chest and dry hump the table leg.

So has my sex life killed any chance of romance?

My last date went rather well; we laughed, we drank, we smoked, he didn't notice when I tripped over, and he seemed to be quite genuine. However, when he rather drunkenly uttered the words “So you take it up the arse then?”, the date ended with a polite kiss on the cheek and a mad dash for the last train home. The statement may have been true but there's a certain dating 'etiquette' and I'll be buggered if I'm discussing it over cheap pub food while fully clothed.

The prospect of meeting someone who'll make me laugh until my face hurts and allow me to rip his clothes off whenever possible is worth every bad date I have to endure. However, I'm beginning to wonder if this person exists or if I've already loved him and lost him.

The little challenges I've set myself have been more than fun, but initially I set out to see if it was possible to have truly fulfilling sex with someone I wasn't in love with. I've decided the answer is no. For me, great sex is all about complete vulnerability and intimacy, something I'll never have if I don't give my heart to the person I'm sleeping with.

So it turns out that although I'm perhaps not sexually conventional, when it comes to relationships I'd quite happily give my body, mind and outrageous morning hair to just one man.

Don't get me wrong – I don't intend to padlock my pants in the meantime and I'll certainly be exploring other avenues which excite me, but I'm open to the idea of some good old-fashioned love.

Let the games begin.