Unadulterated Fun

Nearly half of the people questioned in a US survey last year admitted to cheating at some point in their lives. Surveys like these suggest that monogamy is not as 'natural' as we are led to believe, and with Valentine's Day fast approaching I wondered if love really could mean never having to say you're sorry.

Although it's traditionally gay men who are reputedly promiscuous and sexually adventurous, some queer women are choosing not to limit themselves to a single partner, either by having sex outside of their primary relationships or by practicing polyamory – having more than one intimate relationship at a time. One woman told me that since beginning to practice polyamory (which she terms 'non-hierarchical love') all her relationships have been healthier: "I had always been one of those people who ditched all my friends when I got a new lover and expected that one person to fulfil all my emotional and physical needs - and also needed that person to have all their needs fulfilled by me to feel worthwhile." But without a primary partner she finds herself less dependent on the people she dates. "I feel so so much better when I have a bunch of people who I am emotionally close with and my sexual relationships happen because both people want it to at that time, not because they have entered a contract."

There are a number of ways of addressing the potential for jealousy, one of which is to establish a primary relationship and ensure that your partner knows they come first. Barbara, who is in an open relationship with her girlfriend, explained that she knows she is more important than the other women her partner sleeps with, and so any jealousy she feels is less important. (Although she did add that some degree of jealousy seems inevitable.)

Couples might choose to protect their significant relationship in a number of ways. They might make out with other people, but rule out anything more than that. If they live together, the bed they share might be off limits to anybody else. Caitlin, who started to practise non-monogamy after she and her partner had been long-distance for a few months, established that they would tell one another if they'd slept with somebody else 'as soon as their feet hit the floor', and would not become emotionally involved with those they slept with.

It can be difficult though to prevent yourself from developing strong feelings for someone, particularly if you have already become physically intimate with that person. Caitlin and her partner concluded that it was unrealistic to sleep with other people without becoming emotionally involved, but that with enough communication and honesty this needn't constitute a threat to their relationship.

Non-monogamy is by no means an exclusive feature of queer relationships (I also spoke to heterosexual couples who regularly invite a third person into their bed, and a married couple who have girlfriends and boyfriends on the side), but women I spoke to claimed they had found the queer community more accepting of their relationships. This makes a certain amount of sense: same-sex relationships have only recently begun to gain recognition from society at large, so there may be less pressure to behave in a certain way. A heterosexual couple, however, have often barely begun to discuss moving in together before their family and friends anticipate wedding bells, with all of the associated implications: a car, kids, a nice house with a nice master bedroom into which strangers are not invited, except maybe to marvel at a new carpet.

With the approach of Valentine's Day comes another potential minefield – which one of your partners to take to dinner. If you're casually dating a bunch of people maybe this Hallmark holiday doesn't hold much meaning for you, but once you become seriously involved it's hard to bodyswerve entirely the pressure to exchange cards and demonstrate your joyous union to the world. So maybe we shouldn't be surprised if in future restaurants stop rearranging the furniture on 13 February to make way for a dozen dinners for two, and start welcoming some less traditional celebrations.