Tea Anyone?: Phoebe's First Threesome

Do I fancy women? One of the many questions I asked myself before embarking on this particular challenge. The answer is, I’m not sure. I can appreciate a beautiful woman, even to the point of becoming smitten, but I can’t say I’ve ever fantasised about ripping her clothes off in the way I’ve imagined many, many men, from Jared Leto to Eddie Izzard. And if I was going to throw myself into a threesome, surely it’d be better if I actually wanted to shag both parties?

When I was 16 I kissed a girl at school. I mean really kissed. We were completely pissed, however, and unfortunately the whole school found out, labelling us with a ‘lesbo’ tag that I didn’t shake off until years later. There was part of me that secretly loved the fact that my sexuality was ambiguous, that it pissed off the girls and intrigued the boys. A couple of years later I developed a crush on a female colleague; Irish and rather beautiful but as straight as my unfortunate hair, and my feelings weren’t reciprocated. Probably just as well as I hear she’s now a heroin addict with a record for GBH.

What I do believe is that attraction is something you have no control over, and even though I class myself as straight I’m open to the possibility that I may enjoy being with women too; if I was completely straight maybe I wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

Jeremy had participated in a threesome and seemed keen enough to help me with my first. When I say keen, I mean he nodded. The guy is so laid-back I sometimes poke him in the face to make sure he’s still alive.

“So what was it like when you did it? Was it good?”

“It was okay, nothing spectacular though. Bit of a let down actually. It always felt like someone was waiting their turn and unless everyone is totally into it, it’s a bit pointless. I did get to shag two women though.”

“So if it wasn’t great why do it again with me?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I get to shag two women.” Fair enough.

I didn’t get a chance to ponder this for too long before I got the phonecall: “I’ve found us a girl. You up for it?”

“It’s 1.30 in the morning, I’m in bed. I have big hair.”

“Don’t bother getting dressed then. We’ll be there in an hour.”

Yes, cool as a cucumber, Jeremy had been to a party, met a girl and somehow convinced her to have a threesome. Just like that. Oh shit. I could have killed him, and did in fact plan his demise as I quickly showered, brushed my teeth, hid my pyjamas and stuck some undies on. What the hell was he thinking? Who the fuck was he bringing? If he brings a monster, they’re both leaving.

Why didn’t I say no? I still hadn’t quite made my mind up about the whole ‘girl on girl’ dilemma I’d been having, and now the decision had apparently been taken out of my hands. I would have liked to have at least had a peek first.

An hour later the doorbell rang and in came Jeremy and Simone, looking very pleased with themselves and slightly pissed. She wasn’t a monster: dark hair, tiny compared to me, and pretty. Kinda like a little dolly.

To say that the next few minutes were uncomfortable would be an understatement and I think I even offered them tea, but we soon made it through to the bedroom and the kissing started, which was a perfect excuse not to talk anymore.

Jeremy and I kissed, Jeremy then kissed Simone, and then Simone and I kissed. Which was very very nice. Nicer than kissing Jeremy in fact. I didn’t tell him that.

The whole thing was a bit of a blur after that. There was lots of touching and more kissing, hands were everywhere but I do remember lots of questions firing in and out of my mind: Would they rather I wasn’t here? Does he prefer her body to mine? Should I have shaved it all off?

As we all got completely naked, I forgot about my insecurities and actually started to enjoy it. Maybe I was into girls? Maybe this could be the start of something new? And as I went down on Simone, my questions were answered with a resounding “NO”, like a big booming, Brian Blessed voice from above.

The kissing was great, feeling her body was amazing, but as soon as I went south it didn’t feel right. I can’t explain it but I didn’t enjoy it. I felt like a fumbling teenager who’d never been near a vagina and didn’t have a clue where anything was. Sounds odd now when I think about it: I have a vagina and an in-depth working knowledge of where all the good parts are, but with someone else’s right there in front of me, I didn’t have a clue.

They left shortly afterwards (again, I offered tea; what the hell is wrong with me?) and then I cringed for about an hour while smoking 400 cigarettes and stopping occasionally to put my face in my hands and make a whining noise.

Another challenge complete, and the verdict?

Scary, completely out of my comfort zone, and I can understand why Jeremy found his previous experience a bit of a letdown. It felt slightly contrived, and my lack of experience with women made me feel like an idiot and surprisingly insecure. So unless I get a Cunnilingus for Dummies handbook pretty soon, I can’t see me rushing to do it again. Maybe it’d be easier with two guys - I certainly know my way around a man, but would I feel in control? There’s only one way to find out I guess ...