Searching for the Exit

This month I can barely bring myself to write about erotic massage or my life as a sex worker. I've been working as a masseuse in the United States for well over two years now, and boredom and frustration have finally set in, so much so that it pains me even to write about my profession. There was never a point where I actually enjoyed the work – it was always just a way to earn money quickly – but these days I find myself taking more and more time off work, because I just can’t face it some mornings. I have become the most tragic of tragic figures – a broke, unhappy sex worker.

Of course, there are plenty of sex workers out there who enjoy their job, or who, at least, don’t hate it, but I am now firmly convinced that it is emotionally damaging to work full-time in the sex industry for a lengthy period. Most of the successful 'veteran' sex workers I have come across are good at what they do because they have kept a 'straight' day job and worked only part-time in the sex industry. This way they're not trapped by the work, and can give it up any time they want if they need a break. Most importantly, their day job connects them to the outside world, to 'normality'. In my case, I spend all my days at home, trying to hustle up clients on the internet, and am completely isolated from real life.

I am an educated woman, so it would be ridiculous for anybody to suggest that I was forced into sex work. The choice was definitely mine but, nonetheless, student visa restrictions made it practically impossible for me to make a living in the US. I could have taken an illegal job in a restaurant perhaps but, even then, I would barely have scraped a living. Because I was living alone in the US, and had decided to cut off all contact with my toxic family, I felt comforted by the quick, 'easy' money and financial security that sex work offered me. I became an erotic masseuse because I just didn't have the emotional reserves to take a badly paid illegal job, and be broke as well as homesick and lonely.

It is, however, clearer than ever now that a change has got to come if I want to hold on to my sanity. I've decided to start training to be an English teacher in January, and in the meantime, I'm looking for a 'normal' job. I initially hoped to give up sex work completely, but after scouring the local newspaper and the internet for teaching positions, it’s unlikely this will happen. The only jobs available are as teaching assistants in nursery or primary schools, and I have zero experience with little kids. Even if I had, the jobs are normally only part-time and the pay is shockingly poor. It’s really no wonder that women turn to sex work to make ends meet when the reward for such a mentally and physically demanding job is around £4.50 per hour!

Despite the appalling wages, I do still want to be a teacher. I want to have a profession where I actually help people, and make a difference to society. Some women involved in the sex industry describe their work as a 'caring profession', but I don't buy it. No matter how lonely and sad my clients may be, there are people in the world far more deserving of my time, energy and compassion.

There’s no doubt about it – it’s time for me to swap ejaculation for education.