Gushing with Pride (and Pleasure)

Female ejaculation: probably more elusive than the g-spot according to some people. I’d witnessed the phenomenon in porn films, where it basically looks like the woman is urinating, nay, gushing over some poor sod and passing it off as an explosive, screaming orgasm. But the more I read about it and watched it with a look of bewilderment, the more curious I became. I’m willing to try most things on my carnal voyage; however, if it did indeed turn out to be nothing more than watersports, I’d be drawing a line with a big black magic marker.

Despite my better judgement, I turned to my friends for advice.

“It’s not wee. Honestly,” Lucy protested. “It’s a different colour and everything.”

“Making a woman squirt is probably the horniest thing you’ll ever do,” said my mate Paul, before admitting he’s never actually managed it - it’s just top of his to-do list.

Even though my g-spot has managed to elude many men in the past, I knew it was there and I was willing to become best friends. And so, I googled everything I could think of on female ejaculation, from where it actually comes from to how to successfully do it. In theory, it’s all about pressure, build up and release -simple enough. Right?

Two months later and still no cigar. I’d bought new vibrators, read yet more information, watched videos, and was in danger of ending up with a slightly crampy, claw-like hand and not even a dribble to show for my efforts. My g-spot wasn’t giving up the goods and I began to wonder if my initial 'bullshit' theory was correct. There should have been a formula for it (like shampooing your hair: lather, rinse, repeat), but even though it was a relatively simple act, it wasn’t happening. Some websites simply advised that some women can do it and some can’t. I wasn’t having any of that.

One piece of advice that made me slightly dubious about the whole thing was “you may feel the urge to pee but just keep going”, and realised that the only thing I might successfully accomplish was adult bedwetting.

Then one evening while playing with a new toy (blue, curved and as noisy as a fucking aircraft), it happened. I looked down and my vibrator appeared like it had been run under a tap: the wet patch was rather impressive. I don’t recall any pressure-washer-like spray, but the orgasm was just as anticipated: astounding. I also felt like I’d been punched in the face with a narcolepsy fist, and I fell asleep in record time. Right in the wet patch.

Despite the countless studies passing it off as ‘stress incontinence’ or merely excess lubrication, for me, the change in both fluids and orgasm was very noticeable, and the urge to ‘release’, perhaps like male ejaculation, was undeniable.

So am I convinced?

You betcha.