Chrimbophilia: A Very Kinky Christmas

It was in middle school that I found out about ‘Rule 34’. In case you need to be brought up to speed on urban legends spawned by a generation of pubescent internet natives, I’ll explain. Rule 34 stipulates that if X exists, there too will exist a porn pertaining to that subject. My classmates found this either hilarious or repulsive. I thought it was magnificently philosophical.

There exist, on Earth, billions and billions of sexually active human beings. We’re all a sum of our respectively bizarre childhoods, and each and every one of us experience potential triggers for all kinds of attractions, arousals, fetishes... and porn storylines.

Sure, not everyone has porn scriptwriters and GoPros at their disposal, but I’m gonna put this out there – I buy Rule 34. And want to propose my own rule. Rule 35: If it exists, someone definitely has a fetish for it.

With the most bizarre and sensuous of holidays, Christmas, just around the corner, I got to thinking that this was the perfect time to put Rule 35 to the test. I took to the internet, turned off my SafeSearch and went on a grand quest for Christmassy kink. Here’s a handful of fetishes I discovered, likely to be brought to the boil this Yuletide season.

Chrysophilia

This word comes from the Ancient Greek khrusós, meaning 'gold', and of course philia, meaning 'love'. There aren’t a lot of recorded case studies relating to this on the old internet, but it’s included in just about every list of philias I could find, so there’s something in it. Something sparkly.

Dendrophilia

AKA an attraction to trees. This fetish can stem (heh) further than the trope of tree-hugging, and refers to an actual romantic or sexual attraction to trees. Combined with Chrysophilia, who knows what sort of seasonal sexiness might break loose?

Santaphilia

Most commonly referred to as 'Santa Fetish'. This one hasn’t yet been assigned a fancy -philia suffix, so I took matters into my own hands. Santaphilia can manifest itself in a variety of different ways, however: it’s not all figgy pudding bellies and sprawling beards. In fact, it’s a pretty common fetishisation – we’re just somehow more comfortable with it when it’s Regina George and Cady Heron dressed in red latex and black knee-high boots. Or, put more simply, “Sexy Santa, size 8, £12.99”. Funny, that.