The Dirty Dozen – July 2012
Hailing from hardcore punk superpower OFF!, Keith 'original Black Flag vocalist' Morris and Dimitri 'played guitar on a Bond theme' Coats carry a special license to say whatever the hell they like about July's single releases
Single of the month: Real Estate – Exactly Nothing (Domino, 2 Jul)
Keith Morris: This is Real Estate? I've seen them play. They were actually one of the best bands at the Woodsist Festival – it's like a little mini-fest with Kurt Vile and some others. I could give this a seven. They're pretty jangly; they sound like, if R.E.M. was still in existence they'd open for them. Pretty light, fluffy. Very unoffensive. My mom would like that.
Dog Is Dead – Glockenspiel Song (Atlantic, 23 Jul)
Keith: This is Christmas Carols with saxophones. We'll have to give them an A for effort and a zero for conduct. It's too nice.
Dimitri Coats: Animal Collective has started this fuckin' thing that's causing a lot of bad music to happen... this whole “world music” vibe.
Keith: Yeah, but Vampire Weekend were the ones that pushed that really bad Paul Simon fuckin' world beat thing. We don't need to listen to this anymore...
Dimitri: It gets black metal towards the end, you just gotta wait for it. Total shift in style.
Keith: The most that I could give that... I mean, I'd have to call my mom to ask her what she thinks. I mean, it's great for all the people that love world beat, but I'm kind of beaten down by the world.
Dimitri: I guess I'd give this a two.
Grasscut – Pieces (Ninja Tune, 9 Jul)
Dimitri: This is even worse, 'cause at least the other band had instruments!
Keith: There was saxophone in the last one.
[both laugh at one particularly quirky beat]
Dimitri: This is a one.
Keith: This is office cubical music – this would be the music you'd play on your computer, working in your little cubical and your boss would tap you on the shoulder and want to know who this is and when they're coming to town. Very friendly.
Dimitri: It's horrible.
Keith: It's not horrible...
Dimitri: You walk in to some like, trendy new sushi restaurant somewhere in L.A...
Keith: They would be playing that. Like a really bad version of Yellow Magic Orchestra.
Dimitri: I don't even know what that is...
Keith: They were Japanese, probably listened to XTC...
Dimitri: [Motions to our magic sack of promo singles] Is there stuff in there that's like, good? I mean, Keith's wearing a Royal Trux shirt – let's go!
Fránçois & The Atlas Mountains – Edge of Town (Domino, 23 Jul)
Dimitri: I can see the video for this: they're playing volleyball and there's this little tiny dog shaking the water off itself, and some kid's blowing bubbles...
Keith: Bubbles is the nickname for the volleyball coach. Mr. Bubbles.
[laughter]
Dimitri: [sigh] Okay, that's enough of that. One.
Keith: We've got to give them credit for their creativity, but if we were in a record store and the guy behind the counter was playing this, trying to be Mr. “hey I'm new and cool and this is the hot new thing”, he'd end up getting punched in the face.
Dirty Projectors – Gun Has No Trigger (Domino, 2 Jul)
Keith: So these are supposed to be the hot new singles in Glasgow?
Dimitri: This is horrible. The guy's voice sucks. One.
Keith: Yeah, that guy's terrible. My mom would punch him in the face.
The Skinny: Your mum comes up a lot...
Keith: Yeah, my mom comes up a lot because this is like mother and father dinner time music.
Dimitri: We know an OFF! Record is hitting the mark if his mom doesn't like it.
Enter Shikari – Warm Smiles Do Not Make You Welcome Here (Ambush Reality, 2 Jul)
Dimitri: This is really bad, dude. It's horrible.
Keith: ...but at least this one has drums!
Dimitri: Those aren't real though. The drummer didn't play that...
Keith: Aren't they big in the Kerrang! world? So this is what the guy who paints his face and has big earrings and his hair's gummed to the side listens to? You know, the one who looks like all the other guys you see in the magazine?
Dimitri: Why would you want to come in here and subject us to horrible music? This is a one.
The Temper Trap – Trembling Hands (Infectious, 9 Jul)
Dimitri: This is probably better than the last two things we heard, but just as bad as the stuff we heard three of four CDs ago.
Keith: This isn't too bad, I mean, for this type of music. This is from the lovemaking scene from, uh...
Dimitri: This is what I want to hear when I'm re-enacting the Titanic scene on the bow of the boat. Three.
Deaf Club – Moving Still (Too Pure, 16 Jul)
Dimitri: Jesus Christ, can you make the fucking snare any louder? Wow.
Keith: Yeah, but at least there's a snare!
Dimitri: The chick's voice isn't the worst thing in the world – this is better than a lot of the other stuff. Yeah, this is not terrible – I'd give this a five.
My Goodness – C'Mon Doll (Division, 9 Jul)
Dimitri: Kind of a Black Keys vibe, right? It's like a Black Keys rip-off. I'm not a big Black Keys fan so I don't really care about it.
Keith: At least we're listening to something with some kind of rock vibe. That's a six. A lot of this stuff is just sleepy and trendy and nobody's stepping up and trying to hit a run, they're just striking out.
The Invisible – Wings (Ninja Tune, 9 Jul)
Dimitri: This is like “hey, come up to my room, I'm in 324 at the Standard Hotel!” And you walk in and this is what's playing in the elevator on the way up. And there are projections of fish instead of an actual fish tank.
Keith: No, you're at the bar and you're drinking some overpriced drink and everybody's trying to look cool.
[Dimitri laughs]
Dimitri: Let's face it, we don't like it – this is a one or a two. The problem is that this is what the majority of people in the world listen to. I already hear it more than I want to when I walk into these fucking restaurants and hotels... Television commercials... [imitates voiceover] “The new Acura Legend four wheel drive...”
Slugabed – Mountains Come Out Of The Sky (Ninja Tune, 16 Jul)
Keith: This sounds like it could have been played in the Copenhagen airport.
Dimitri: I don't really like hip-hop, but I want this to turn into like [imitates crude rapping style], just something to kick the doors in a little bit.
Keith: This sounds like the theme song for the Olympics that are gonna be happening over there across the border. This'll be the BBC intro music. I can't give this above a five.
Dimitri: Was there even any vocals? Do we care?
The Dirty Heads – Spread Too Thin (Executive Music, 8 Jul)
Dimitri: This is... This is horrible.
[OFF! drummer Mario Rubalcaba walks in, begins to dance]
Dimitri: Let's get the backstage vibe goin'!
Keith: What is this, new age reggae? He's spread too thin but that shit's way too thin to stick. Let's say three.
Dimitri: Did somebody put you up to this? Did Trash Talk put you up to this?
Mario: [hums the tune] You guys are gonna put way too many bad songs in my head.
Stexis & Jonnie Common – Split AA side (De-Fence, 2 Jul)
Dimitri: Perfect hi-hat sound. [to Mario] Dude, this is the snare sound we were looking for.
Mario: [to the beat] Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish...
Keith: A five; that was an exercise in mediocrity. So you're gonna take these home and listen to all of them in their entirety or are you just gonna put them in the trash?