Our alternatives to The Royal Wedding on Vinyl

Oh vinyl, what a week you’ve had. This time last week we were all a-flutter in trepidation and excitement over this year’s crop of Record Store Day releases. Then when Saturday rolled around we all got into the spirit of celebrating our local record shops in a flurry of cash-chucking and lunchtime al fresco drinking. Cut to today, and the music industry has slam-dunked that goodwill into a flaming bin with The Royal Wedding on Vinyl.

Yep, in a time when indie labels struggle to get their releases to wax within three months due to a lack of pressing plant time, Decca are planning to release a vinyl record of an audio recording of the happiest day in the lives of two people you’ll almost certainly never share the same room with. The record will feature the traditional ceremonial patter, plus performances from cellist Sheku Kanneh Mason, soprano Elin Manahan Thomas, the Choir of St George’s Chapel and gospel group Kingdom Choir. If you want to celebrate Big Music’s recent victory lap over their Spotify numbers, you’ll also be able to stream the whole thing shortly after the grand finale. Lucky you.

On the one hand, art is subjective and people can like whatever they want. On the other hand, this kind of behaviour should not be enabled or even tolerated – buy a commemorative plate, stick a Union Jack tie on your dog, go fucking nuts... but leave the records out of this. Hipsters don’t have much left now that avocado season’s nearly finished and all arthouse cinemas are legally required to show the new Avengers film 40 times a day for the next eight months. All we want is to be left in peace with our shiny black discs without getting your tradition and pomp all over them.

Yet on a third hand, this gives us an idea. Which other historical events would warrant a limited edition heavyweight 180g repress with limited edition gatefold artwork? We’ll tell you which events, and we’ll tell you… right now.

The Royal Birth
Well it’s topical, so in for a penny, in for a pound and all that. Don’t look at us like that either, this is an audio recording – Side A for the rush to the hospital in the back of a taxi, Side B for the sound of a hospital corridor with mooing members of the public on one side and exhausted members of the upper classes on the other.

The Moon Landings
“One Small Step for Man…,” get up, flip record over, play Side B, “...One Giant Leap for Mankind.” The rest is just wind noise and the faint sounds of Aldrin and Armstrong arguing over who gets out first. We can of course fully remaster the whole thing once we get the scripts and set designs out of Stanley Kubrick’s basement and now we’ve said too much so we’ll move on.

Your Childhood
The sound of ice cream trucks, the whoosh of a merry-go-round, your dad standing on a plug. These are not discarded Mark E Smith lyrics, rather some of the memories you’ll relive on this double-vinyl gatefold reissue of ‘the past’ (sepia-tinged indies only edition available in limited quantities).

Record Store Day 2018
Pleasant ambient noise interspersed with unwelcome bursts of half-forgotten songs by your favourite bands from the 1970s and the sound of cash registers ringing. This ends on a locked groove a la Metal Machine Music, as Record Store Day can never really end.

The Grease 2 soundtrack
There’s no joke here, our Music editor just wanted to shout out for a reissue, and figured if the Royals were reading they could make something happen. ‘C.O.O.L, R.I.D.E.R.’, she says. Just something to think about…

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The wedding of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry is on 19 May; take the day off. You've earned it.