Metal Up Santa's Ass - December, 2008

These days, December has traditionally become associated with a tightening of the belts. Invariably we find ourselves turning down invitations to make social merriment and avoiding frittering money away on little extravagancies like clothes, soap and condoms, as what litle disposable income there is remaining in the UK is held emotional hostage by the dilated puppy-eyes of 60 million children / spouses / friends / parasites. Bah, humbug.

It's certainly considerate, then, that the powers that be in the world of heavy metal and its numerous offshoots have opted to encourage us to stay indoors by delivering the most meagre of pickings to our shores this festive period. Perhaps, in the spirit of fair play, the forces of darkness are choosing to relent in their nefarious solo-ing and rampaging double kick, allowing long-term nemesis Mr Christ the chance to relax on his birthday. But that is merely conjecture.

Those adherents to the dark arts unwilling to give the aforementioned birthday boy a break can get their blasphemous selves to Glasgow's Ivory Blacks (3 Dec) and witness the unholy misanthropy of Cryptopsy. If you like your metal t-shirts illegible, this is the one for you. The following night serves up two hefty doses of yesteryear as the Wildhearts visit the Barrowlands and perennial prog-fathers Hawkwind hit the Carling Academy (4 Dec).

Thankfully The Classic Grand provides us with one genuine reason to get the neck muscles flexing (5 Dec) when Clutch channel a combination of their latest opus, Full Fathom Five, with a myriad of grinding, jamming cuts from their last 15 years. Edinburgh finally gets with the programme (6 Dec) when Def-Con One visit Bannerman's, featuring ex-members of the surely-infamous Venom. They're also ably supported on this occasion by native two-piece Bronto Skylift, plying their cantankerous noise with increasingly assured confidence.

For music that packs a nasty punch - the kind with keys pushed between the fingers - Johnny Truant will pay Scotland an emotional visit as they hit King Tut's (11 Dec) for one last hurrah before trailing off into the sunset. The next night (12 Dec) ushers in some potential dynamite in the form of Stage Blood at Stereo. Describing themselves as the sound of an imploding prism and featuring members of AWOL, jazzy post-punk heroes Eska, riff-obsessed Gringo-ites Lords and little-known Scots beat-combo Mogwai -- this might get tasty. The quality continues the following evening in Edinburgh as awesome two-headed riff factory Your Loyal Subjects knock hell out of Henry's Cellar Bar (13 Dec), with the able assistance of The Fatalists.

Finally, in one last gallus advance on your financial reserves, King Tut's dangles the decidedly appealing prospect of The Ghost of a Thousand and Rolo Tomassi on the same bill (16 Dec). If money really is as tight as the evening news predicts, arguably that's worth at least one friendship. Think about it.