The Proposition: When did musicians stop dying?

Think about it. Forty years ago Britney would never have made it to her puffy, balding, demented phase. She'd have been found face down in a cheap hotel next to an empty pill bottle, her pillow still wet with tears and a snowy TV buzzing away in the background.

Justin Timberlake would have drowned in his own vomit, the needle still poking out from beneath the sleeve of his rolled up Versace shirt and The Black Eyed Peas would have plunged into the Atlantic Ocean like some shitty comet when the engines on their private plane suddenly gave out. Even just twenty years ago, Lady Gaga's bus would have swerved off the highway, throwing her out of the window only to be finished off when the vehicle rolled down an embankment and crushed her into something resembling a foil-wrapped ham sandwich sat on by a builder.

The only people dying these days are the underground stars like Elliot Smith and Mark Linkous. Maybe that's because, in a world where the music was to the fore, these guys WOULD be the rock stars. Seems the whole damn industry has been turned on its head.

It took Buddy Holly, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Denver, Jim Morrison, Keith Moon, John Lennon, Bob Marley, Elvis, Karen Carpenter, John Bonham, Kurt Cobain, 2Pac, Notorious BIG and many, many others before it all got too much for the big five record labels. Their products kept expiring until now when they apparently FINALLY have gotten control of the situation. This new breed are fully laminated, bullet-proof, germ-proof, coated in polystyrene for long journeys, genetically modified with DNA extracted directly from Keith Richards' still-beating heart. Yes, the lumbering great PR machine that is Pop has made its new tools of destruction damn near indestructible.

Leave it to past masters like Rick James to uphold that most ignoble of traditions by finally succumbing to his supposed $10,000 a week coke habit in 2004. With a nose that busy, how he even found time to take two women hostage and torture one with a hot crack pipe is a mystery. Therein lies another difference. That kind of mayhem takes real application. There's no effort these days. Our most risqué celebrities are probably Amy Winehouse – a horse-faced drunk shambling back from a costume party dressed as one of the Supremes – and Pete Doherty, the trolley boy from your local concentration camp. There's no comparison: boring nonentities with faces only HEAT magazine could love.

Surely the original deal was that becoming a famous musician was like Russian Roulette. Yeah you had the perks; fame, girls, boys, drugs, money – but everyone was also aware that, at any time, their number might come up. That third bottle of Bourbon might be their last. Yes, that might be smoke coming from the engine. Auto-erotic asphyxiation may indeed prove to be a dangerous hobby.

I mean come on, who wouldn't like even just a little more mayhem injected into modern music? To keep things fresh, to cull the talent when they get too complacent. Imagine: Chris Martin is found clutching a bloody knife over Gwyneth's lifeless body and finally tops himself in his cell whilst awaiting trial. Justin Bieber's long battle with alcoholism ends in defeat. Fall-Out Boy are crushed when their logo comes loose from its moorings half-way through their set at T in the Park.

So many appealing scenarios but actually... hold that thought. That’s the REAL difference. In none of these situations is there any remorse on the fantasist's part. What modern music actually lacks is anyone worth giving a damn about! When Barry White died the world got noticeably less sexy. When Freddie Mercury died so too did one of the last genuinely great showmen. When Iain Curtis died his music became all the more profound and his lyrics all the more troubling.

We have nothing to lose any more. Musicians are whimsical and transitory. Like buying furniture from IKEA: if it breaks don't worry about fixing it, just get a new one. After all, when Ke$ha finally chokes to death on the bell-end of Satan, the only real inconvenience will be Pepsi having to print a new label for their 500ml bottle.