The Walking Dead
The Walking Dead

Three Things I've Learned From The Walking Dead

Feature by Fred Fletch.
Published 08 November 2011

I love zombies.

I watch Dawn of The Dead regularly and sex my girlfriend from behind so she can watch it too.

Zombies and everything zombie-related is very much a man's domain. It is the very personification of manliness to have at least one workable zombie survival guide in your head ready to be unleashed at the first news report including the terms 'monkey virus' 'unstoppable rabies victim' and/or 'Bruce Forsyth had been declared legally dead for almost 20 minutes before he rose again with the force of a thousand Imhoteps.'

If you need scientific proof of this NASA fact, simply turn to the nearest male in your vicinity. Scream "HUW EDWARDS JUST ANNOUNCED THAT THE DEAD ARE RISING" and quietly observe. If he doesn't immediately begin fashioning a weapon out of a coat rack and kitchen knives while mapping the quickest route to a fortified bowling alley, check his genitals, he's probably a woman. Or worse yet, he might be a zombie, and right now you're looking at his dick. Good luck with that one asshole.

It's never stupid to be prepared. Sure, the odds of a zombie apocalypse happening are pretty much on a par with Bigfoot attacks and space Dracula invasion but that doesn't mean you shouldn't fucking think about it.

You might scoff at someone for Sasquatch-proofing their garden shed and filling it with animal carcasses but every minute spent devising a way to trap impossible Ape-Monsters is a good night's sleep for the residents of Jackson County, Oregon)

The Walking Dead is officially the only hour of TV in 24 that I actually give a fuck about. Solidly produced and smoothly directed, the show provides something for every demographic. First and foremost it is a zombie show, delivering action, scares and gore by the metric shit-load. But it's also a drama. The show hinges upon the characters who are skillfully crafted, written and performed so you actually care about who's being eaten and why. There is enough heart-felt melodrama in the show to keep women watching and since 90% of the things on screen are lifeless, screaming, hollowed out Halloween costumes, it won't be much of a leap for fans of Grey's Anatomy.

Although The Walking Dead might just be the most perfect show on TV that isn't called 'Dexter', 'Community' or 'BayWatch Nights', its realistic approach to the subject matter of zombies pops my fantasy balloon like a coat-rack covered in knives.

In my frequent dreams of getting a half day from work because the business end of a mortuary just started eating everyone I hate, I imagine myself, surrounded by friends, holed up in a supermarket, awaiting the inevitable exciting speedboat full of exciting supermodels to rescue us. Walking Dead paints a different, less erotic-speedboat-flavored image.

If the zombie apocalypse happens:

1) You probably won't be with your friends. You'll be surrounded by people you don't know or don't really like. Chances are the hordes of undead are going to attack while you are at work or while you're at the shops buying toilet roll. Last count there were over 7 billion people on the planet and there is a good chance most of them suck. Your best friend Byron might be a classically trained karate murderer with great cooking skills and a cupboard full of Ninja swords, but Gary who you just met in the dick-cream section of Tescos smells of milk and has a copy of the Daily Mail rolled up in his tracksuit bottoms. You are going to be spending the last few not-being-eaten-by-mummies days passing polite conversation with someone who thinks that Cheryl Cole's The Flood was actually a pretty good song & that Nick Griffin has some interesting points.

2) No one is going to wait for you. You'd like to think as you lie curled up crying in the basement of Argos, that your friends and family and significant others are holding off on kick-starting their battle-ready jetskies and heading off to that deserted zombie-less island a few miles off the coast because 'THEY JUST KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE SOON.' Sorry. Bullshit.
Unending waves of brain-hungry Frankensteins have a profound effect on people's social priorities. You might well have matching Captain Planet rings and share the same favorite episode of Cheers, but when it comes to 'you' vs 'not being dead', you lose.

Your friends will have forgotten about you in the time it took one of them to say "Look. Five jet skis" and your girlfriend will be so filled with hansom jet ski repair man, you'll be a distant, disappointing memory.

3) It's going to get boring. Fast. No matter how exciting the prospect of shooting monsters with arrows might sound, most of the non-monster skewering time is going to be spent sitting around, being hungry. You're not even going to be able to masturbate because you live in a tent or in a sleeping bag next to 20 other people who can't sleep. Trust me. Either practise stealth wanking or fit your Fleshlight with a silencer. The apocalypse doesn't give you time or equipment to clean ejaculant out of a Camp-Master-Snuggie.

Without TV, the internet or poptarts, you're going to be climbing the fucking walls. You're actually going to have to talk to people, build a community, develop long term plans. It's like growing up & NO ONE wants to do that.
Responsibility comes hand in hand with the constant threat of cannibal attack and while before you could just call in sick for work or sleep in on Boxing Day, it's the end of the goddamn world and you totally CAN'T.
One slip is all it takes before you join the ranks of the living dead.

You have to be an adult 24/7 and that gives you absolutely no time to contemplate a workable Robot-Invasion plan.

Comments (16)

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  • Zombies have not and will never be exclusively part of Man's land. Didn't even make it past the second paragraph without rolling my eyes. Worst. Zombie. Article. Ever.

    Posted by Val | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 04:46

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  • Val has the right of it, this is pretty weak sauce, irrelevant to the show, books, the topic of zombies. The 'three things learned' aren't insightful and don't even CITE where the tv show touchs on the 'three things learned'.
    Author comes across like a little boy who's discovered swearing for the first time. Did this website have a $.03 mechanical turk posting out for "write a couple hundred words that will appeal to males 13-30 on the theme of zombies, referencing walking dead so we can drum up click throughs" ?

    Posted by sean | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 05:00

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  • Apologies to anyone who got to this article by Googling 'zombies'. It was not designed as an educational tool, rather the latest in the Fred Fletch series of blogs which use popular TV shows as the source material for hilarious vitriol.

    Posted by Rosamund | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 11:21

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  • As a zombie, I have to say I found this article extremely offensive. Shame on The Skinny. Shame on your tasty, tasty brains.

    Posted by Bernard | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 12:10

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  • BREAKING NEWS: I just discovered the word 'DICK-SHIT'(Descriptive Noun). I look forward to incorporating this into a future article about Vampires and an email to Sean's Urologist.

    Posted by FRED FLETCH | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 12:10

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  • haha too funny, and i am a zombie loving woman who takes no offence what so ever, it's just a very funny piss take, good on you for not taking shit so serious, in a very serious world, u made my day thanks

    Posted by shannon | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 16:42

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  • I guess I am getting quite a lot of traffic based upon people Google-Searching the term 'ZOMBIES' and judging from some of the comments, I'm also somehow term-linked to the words 'DRY', 'IRRITATION' and 'VAGINA'.

    Posted by FRED FLETCH | Wednesday 09 November 2011 @ 17:51

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  • Worst piece of shit I've ever read.

    Posted by fred | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 15:21

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  • Worst piece of shit I've ever read.

    Posted by fred | Thursday November 2011 @ 15:21
    Oh come on 'Fred'. Out of the 3 books you've read, this has got to be a bit better than 'Dora The Explorer Goes to the Doctor: Say AHHHH' & 'Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex '

    Although I am the first to admit that it's nowhere near as good as 'He-man and the Asteroid of Doom'

    Posted by FRED FLETCH | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 17:01

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  • "Val", "Sean" and "Fred" - I pity your lack of capacity for reckognising the satirical literary genuis that Fletch is. When he talks about the dude who smells like milk with a Daily Mail rolled up his trousers, he was talking about ass-hats like you. And stop looking at his dick, asshole.

    Posted by Marsi | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 17:15

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  • I want to take a dick shit all over this article. That, dear friends, is how much I love this informative and factual article about zombies.

    Posted by Mz | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 17:39

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  • If this article didn't automatically calm your bollocks, you need some of that dick cream. I'm not even thinking about my itchy vagina anymore. Thanks, Fred! You're amazing!

    Posted by Jakki | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 20:06

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  • lol @ MZ, "I want to take a dick shit all over this article." Dude if you are shitting out of your dick, you seriously need to have that checked by either your GP or practitioner at your local GUM clinic.

    Posted by Marsi | Thursday 10 November 2011 @ 21:28

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  • @ MZ: You're looking for a "factual article about zombies"..?? Duuuurrrrrr

    Posted by Hootie | Saturday 12 November 2011 @ 19:06

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  • If you all hated the article so much, why bother to comment? Seems like a bigger waste of your time than reading the article was.

    Posted by Tina | Tuesday 15 November 2011 @ 04:59

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  • Because inane shite needs to be called out.

    Posted by Ike | Tuesday 15 November 2011 @ 10:33

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