Mulling It Over

The last time I drank mulled wine was with my university lecturer; he had a load of the stuff to boot and decided to whack it in the microwave. As you might guess, it came out tasting like lukewarm piss, but it was no more disappointing than what I’d had before. This greatly-extolled festive treat has always been as bland as Boxing Day and a frightful waste of red wine in my eyes.

People bang on about being lonely at Christmas, but what really worries me is being sober. As the year draws to an end, it’s naturally a time for reflection, but who has time for that? Mankind has knocked up enough hearty recipes to make sure you won’t even remember watching the John Lewis advert. Here’s just a few.

Wassail is not only a drink, but a centuries-old tradition in which villagers would go out into the orchard to pray for a good year, and more importantly good cider apples. Roughly translated as “good health”, wassail is a rich, rousing drink comprising cider apples, sugar, ale, ginger and nutmeg – on occasion topped up with a healthy slug of gin. Its appeal has somewhat diminished over time but some villages do still practise wassailing in areas like Gloucestershire, decorating the apple trees with cider-soaked toast – no, me neither.

Wassailing is all well and good if you’re into choirs and community spirit, but it’s not much cop when it’s just you and a long, biting winter’s walk – step up sloe gin. Criminally overlooked at Christmas, this ruby red delight is a quintessential festive drink as the sloes are picked around October, when at their ripest. There’s not much to it other than soaking the sloes in gin for two to three months, using sugar to help extract the juices. When done right, it’s a full-bodied blast down the back of the throat, not as harsh as a whisky, but still sweet and powerful enough to bring back the feeling in your toes.

The next booze-filled offering is the brandy flip, a versatile and adaptable recipe historically heated with a red hot poker. Mix egg yolks, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, beer and a good pouring of brandy for instant satisfaction. This recipe dates back hundreds of years and therefore there’s some discretion needed when it comes to your ale of choice. Likewise the brandy can be interchanged with almost any spirit that takes your fancy; bourbon and rum work particularly well. Designed to be a soothing bedside companion, this flip can be enjoyed hot or cold, in the evening or at the crack of dawn (in moderation, of course).

The closest I come to a compromise on mulled wine is the Scandinavian drink glögg. Unfairly considered a facsimile of its boring cousin by most, this Nordic tipple is an altogether more robust and boozy affair. Notable mentions also go out to the simple snowball, a mix of lemonade and the Dutch creamy gloop Advocaat. And if you’re in the mood for a seaman’s speciality, try buttered rum.

Regardless of what’s in your glass, the one thing we all want to avoid is a Christmas Day hangover. If there was an actual cure you wouldn’t be reading this in a coffee shop, but in keeping with the theme of this piece, here’s an old Puerto Rican wives’ tale to try out: take a lemon and a lime, cut them in half, rub the juices into your armpits and smack your arms against your body. Supposedly this prevents dehydration and its subsequent side-effects; psychologically the physical exertion may lead to feelings of freshness, but, whether this constitutes a cure, the jury’s still out.