Cheer and Present Danger: A Food Gift Guide

BOOZE
Start as you mean to go on, eh? In the festive season you can’t move for boozy gift packs ready to fling in one of those horrible bags people use when they can’t be arsed to wrap a present properly, but we’re here to recommend the classier of the boozy gift packs. The Mint Julep Gift Pack from Buffalo Trace fits the bill – it contains a bottle of bourbon and a steel julep cup. The metal cup is key here, allowing the recipient to kick back like a true Southern gentleman, cooling themselves with their beverage and calling passers-by ‘boy’ for no good reason. Various stockists, from £23, deckchair and preposterous accent sold separately.

But what if your gift target isn’t refined? What if they’re a shouty, boorish, unsubtle headcase who likes skulls and Ghostbusting and ROCK? You get them the Rolling Stones edition of Dan Aykroyd’s brand of vodka. The Crystal Head Vodka 50th Anniversary Rolling Stones Limited Edition gift set is a real thing that exists, containing a glass skull full of vodka with a Rolling Stones-branded crystal top, a live Stones album, and a display box with a zip on the front. It’s garish and a little bit creepy, there are giant cartoon tongues all over it, and it’s endorsed by a Ghostbuster. The three wise men must be spinning in their graves. Amazon.co.uk, £90

TEA AND COFFEE
A well-chosen gift here will see the recipient view you as some kind of benevolent god who brings light and goodness to their mornings. Going with an elaborate and slightly over-involved tea or coffee gift adds to the effect, so go for something like the Magic Tea Press from Edinburgh tea merchants Eteaket. It’s a mini loose leaf teapot-slash-magic trick, with the tea dispensing from the bottom into a mug of your choosing. Your friends and family will see the tea, and see that it is good. Eteaket.co.uk, £19

For the coffee lovers, a Brew Kit from Machina Espresso can bring café-quality coffee, and all its intricacies, into your tiny kitchen. A grinder, pot, and filter mug are all included, leaving you to wrap it all up and decide whether or not to give instructions on how it all works. See how you feel on Christmas morning. Machina Espresso, £55

Of course, the True Hot Drinks Elite will already own these devices, and demand more from their presents. Two words: WiFi kettle. Three more words: in-car espresso machine. The WiFi Kettle works in tandem with your smartphone, letting you start the boil from anywhere in your home; still needs you to fill it with water though, so it’s literally pointless. Firebox.co.uk, £99 

The Handspresso Auto plugs into the cigarette lighter of your motor car and pumps out rich, full-bodied espresso. If you want to give someone the chance to burn themselves in a particularly pungent way this Christmas, look no further. Handspresso.co.uk, £139

KITCHENWARE
What to get the sibling who likes to cook? A spoon? Seems a bit meagre. A large spoon? Might come over a bit sarcastic. A set of spoons? What if they only make oriental food, and have no need for spoons? The key is to go for something safe, practical, but with a fun twist. Something like a Peanut Butter Maker.

Peanuts go in, unspecified food technology does its thing, peanut butter comes out. Vats of the stuff, from the images we’ve seen. It’s the perfect present, unless the intended recipient doesn’t like peanut butter, in which case you’ll get to keep hold of it. It really is the perfect present. Prezzybox.com, £45

If they don’t like peanuts, buy them a gun. Relax, it’s the PolyScience Smoking Gun – you use it to smoke pieces of meat or fish in the comfort of your own home. It comes with two varieties of smoking sawdust and runs on AA batteries so you can take it anywhere. Please don’t tell Phagomania about it or we’ll never get out of the office alive. Molecularmixology.co.uk, £59

PETS
There’s only one option for those of you who buy presents for your dogs – the Doggie Biscuit Maker.
Yes, it’s a dedicated kit for making your own dog biscuits! It has little moulds and shapes and everything! Use all the ingredients dogs love, like marrow and offal! Get your hands right in that offal! Sculpt the offal! Don’t put it away, that’s the dog’s present! Remember kids, whatever you happen to dish out to unsuspecting friends, family and animals this month – presents are for life, not just for Christmas. Prezzybox.com, £40