Whisky: A Beginner's Guide

Like many things denoted ‘national’ status, whisky is a divisive beast. Some people think it’s a brilliant, varied and intriguing bit of culinary alchemy, a cottage industry that offers as many different tastes and experiences as it’s possible to imagine. Others believe that all of those tastes and experiences fall somewhere on the ‘nail polish’ scale, and that much of the bumph around the product needs to be thrown down a deep well along with its propagators. A third group believe that all whisky is basically the same ‘cos it all sez whisky on the bottle’, but those people are idiots, so we shan’t bother with them.

Whisky deserves a chance, but its imposing nature can leave it feeling difficult to navigate. Hence this attempt to simplify things a little, and start you on the way to deciding that it’s fine, but you’re really more of a rum person. Anyway, in for a penny, in for a pound; charge your glasses, let’s get moving.

Whisky for beginners

If you’re going to give whisky a go, you’ll need to know what it is that you’re working with. Beware the gross over-simplification, but your basic whisky is made from water and malted barley, aged for at least three years in an oak barrel. If a bottle of whisky comes solely from one distillery, made with just malted barley, it’s called a ‘single malt’; if a bottle is made from a blend of single malts, it’s called a ‘blended malt’. If additional grain other than the malted barley is added, the bottle is either a ‘single grain’ or a ‘blended grain’, depending on the circumstances.

Right, that’s the linguistics done; now for some geography. Scotch whisky production is focused in five key areas – the Highlands, the Lowlands, the Islands, Speyside and Campbeltown – and each has its own unique characteristics. Island malts are often quite smoky and peaty, Speysides can be sweeter than others, and Lowland whiskies tend to be light and floral, because that’s just the sort of thing we big city types would make, isn’t it?

This info can help you get off on the right foot, as the whisky world’s love for deductive leaps and casual overstatement can be a tad unhelpful, especially when two bottle blurbs are near-identical but the liquids inside are completely different. Blends tend to be cheaper than malts, Highland whiskies are hugely varied so can be a good place to start, and for the love of God talk to a bartender if you’re unsure of what you’re doing. Just ask, they won’t bite. Presumably.

Whisky events & tastings

Another way to get a handle on the world of whisky is to go to the source – a whole host of Scotland’s distilleries run regular tours and tastings – but often said source is miles away from anything, and rural travel and strong alcohol don’t mix.

If you can’t convince a friend to drive you for hours down winding country roads so you can get turnt up, the next best thing is a whisky tasting or event in the big city. Chief among these this month is the Whisky Stramash at Edinburgh’s Surgeons Hall, a now-annual mixture of molecular gastronomy, promenade theatre, helpful tasting tips and enough Scotch to float a small ship. It’s got everything a beginner could want – hundreds of whiskies to drink straight or in cocktails, a cracking location, and plenty to distract you if you change your mind about the whole ‘liking whisky’ thing. 28 & 29 May, tickets £30. 

If that all sounds a bit full-on, World Whisky Day has prompted Edinburgh’s Scotch Whisky Experience to offer two-for-one masterclasses on the basics of the drink on 21 May, while over in Glasgow the Good Spirits Co host two whisky events this month – a 'rare & old' tasting on 14 May, and what is presumably a less-rare and less-old equivalent on 27 May.

Whisky on TV and film

It may have become apparent that the whisky industry is a rich man’s game, and as such the whole system is awash with cash and not exactly too subtle about it. This can be somewhat off-putting if you’re a bit of a snob about these things (he said; nodding, winking and stroking his beard all at the same time), but the trick is to embrace the ‘cash money’ philosophy and enjoy some of its madder moments.

Take for example the bizarre ‘promotional’ videos for Lagavulin and Oban whiskies presented by Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman, in which he eats peat, licks distillery workers, and locks himself in a cupboard to avoid the magic of Christmas. Yes, it’s an astonishing display of corporate largesse, but it beats the usual drinks advertising trick of showing a party you don’t want to go to, full of people not actually drinking.

In the world of film, whisky is often associated with roguishness and general gadaboutery. Anchorman’s idiot newsreader Ron Burgundy drinks scotch like it’s going out of fashion, and Blade Runner’s Rick Deckard is partial to a dram or two when he isn’t tangled up with replicants or getting rained on next to Rutger Hauer. Bill Murray’s character getting paid millions to go to Japan to shoot whisky ads in Lost in Translation was closer to the truth than any of us may have really thought, and in Whisky Galore a group of rambunctious island types nick hundreds of bottles from a sinking ship, and they’re the good guys!

So whisky, then; it’s a complex drink with some interesting characteristics, a symbol for manly largesse, an expensive but entirely quaffable hobby, and a slightly confusing national drink, especially when there’s all this Irn-Bru lying around. We suggest you grab a glass and give it a chance… just leave the mud-eating to the professionals.