Twixt

Hall Baltimore (Val Kilmer), a “bargain-basement Stephen King”, is visiting a small, studiedly eerie town to sign copies of his latest book. Five minutes in and the crazy sheriff (Bruce Dern), a fan, has got him examining the body of a murdered girl and collaborating on a novel concerning the mystery behind her death.

The girl (Elle Fanning) soon haunts Hall, in scenes that are about as chilling as a kids' play, all cheap effects, dodgy lighting, and student film surrealism. Soon, even Edgar Allan Poe (Ben Chaplin) joins in the fun. First seen as the face of the moon (?), he later appears in person – and together they solve the mystery...

If it weren't directed by Coppola, Twixt would be a so-bad-it's-hilarious gem. But the man's a giant, and to see him turning out this vacuous, clichéd nonsense is like watching a former Olympic gymnast struggling on the monkey bars in the local park: it isn't funny – it's sad.