The Skinny Guide to Oscar Party Season

It’s time to fess up one of those sad but unavoidable truths, which normally one keeps locked in the long, dark teatime of the soul; I take the Oscars way, way too seriously. Months beforehand lists are compiled, nominations for ‘Most Likely to be Nominated’ are used to strategically plan movie watching in the run up to the big event, arguments are held with the sales reps of whichever multi-media corporation has bought the rights to the live event this year, and, finally, invites are sent out. So, gleaned from my years of unashamed Academy Award Acolyting (this year will be my 12th bash. Holy little golden men!) here be The Skinny’s Guide to hosting your own homegrown Oscar party (red carpet optional).

Do It Live
It doesn’t matter how hard you try, how much you avoid the TV, the papers, the random chat on the bus on the way to work the next day… you’re never going to keep from finding out who won what. Once the night itself is over, the suspense is gone, the magic is fading and watching it the next day on BBC is, quite frankly, even more pathetic than being glued to it live. Find out how to procure whatever impossible channel the US has bestowed it on; beg, borrow or steal the living room of someone with the right cable package/large screen TV if you can’t get it yourself, and book the next day off work (Best Picture isn’t announced till around 5am). This is the Oscars, baby. Do it right.

Cocktails
Are a must. The ceremony runs for a massive 4 hours and 30 minutes, and whether you’re as uninterested as whoever’s on watch at the Higgs-Boson machine in Switzerland that night, or so involved you’re screaming “Nooooo! We was robbed!” (Brokeback Mountain losing out to Crash, 2005) at the television, you’re gonna need a drink. Given that ten minutes into watching gleaming smiles and nipped, tucked and buffed everything one begins to feel distinctly deformed, cocktails also help you feel that bit more glamorous, especially when combined with…

Formal wear
Open to interpretation this one: it can mean bowties, black tails, and floor length sequin gowns, or it can mean ‘make a bit more of an effort than throwing on jeans and t-shirt, ok?’ You’ll know yourself where to realistically set the scale, but people are often surprisingly up for going the whole hog, as there are few occasions where the effort of glamming up is rewarded with an actually comfortable seat, the option not to listen to boring speeches should you want to, and as much free booze as is necessary to stop your spank pants/cummerbund pinching.

Actual information on nominations
Oddly, there are people who don’t care all that much about the Oscars. They have not memorised the nominee list down to Best Sound Effect Achieved Using A Small Weasel, and will be curious to know exactly who’s up for what. You can either be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again all evening (good for the smug know-it-all ego, bad for allowing people to actually hear who’s won), or you can make sure the lists of all the sweaty-palmed hopefuls is prominently displayed for people to pore over, and for therapeutic crossing outs of the Losers Who Should Never Have Even Been Nominated (Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby, 2004). Combine this with…

Drinking Games
…and lo and behold, suddenly the sneering stalwarts at the back who insist on snorting through the announcements are suddenly waiting with bated breath to see who is going to start thanking their agent next. Let people pick their favourites, divvy them out of a hat, or assign them yourself (suddenly all the obsessing pays off!). Either way it ensures everyone’s interested, keeps the alcohol flowing and gives you an excellent excuse to go ‘Shutupshutupshutup it’s Best Actress in a Leading Role omgomgomg.’ Cos you care about whether you win the game. Obviously.

The most important thing to remember, however, during the whole proceedings, is that it’s ultimately a rather silly show, full of egos and wallets that reach ridiculous proportions. Enjoy the crass pandering to the cameras, the massively inappropriate behaviour during speeches, and the terrible attempts by losing nominees to look gracious. The Oscars is, first and foremost, yet another entertainment product that comes out of Hollywood; it just so happens that it’s a rather fabulous one, darling.

The 81st Academy Awards will be screened on Sky Movies Premiere, 5pm Los Angeles time on Sunday 22 February, 1am UK time Monday 23 February.