Breakup Survival Guide

The worst part about a break-up is the cold.

Living with someone is like being inside a cloud of warm, fluffy insulation. You are protected against your fears and insecurities. Are you scared that something about you is fundamentally unlovable? That you are too ornery and neurotic to sustain a lasting relationship? That your friends secretly think you look like the one off The Muppets who lives in a bin? A relationship can help! It gives you an answer to all the nasty voices in your head that come out at 4am. after too many vodkas. Somebody loves you enough to overlook your awful sense of humour and your deadly foot odour. There is someone in the world who has seen you at your worst, and still wants to share their bathroom with you. Someone who is not your mum.

Coming out of a relationship, especially if you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life in it, can feel like being dropped in the Arctic in your pyjamas. It doesn't matter how independent you are, how capable you are of explaining the offside rule, fixing your own boiler or facing down a wild bear. You are still not prepared for this shit.

The best thing to do is leave the country. I'm serious. If you can, get far away from this horrible bullshit. If there is something stopping you (no money, a mortgage, a crushing fear of boats/aeroplanes, or a sense that you cannot solve all of life's problems by leaving town whenever something goes seriously wrong) then the second-best solution is to hope like hell your ex had this idea first. If this doesn't work out, I would strongly recommend NOT TALKING TO THEM AT ALL. For, like, three months. Minimum. I don't care how much you love them and think they're your best friend and your fluffy comfort blanket... those days are gone. It sucks, but while you're in the midst of the Arctic phase when everything hurts, you can only drag each other down. Don't. Make your excuses and sever all contact.

The next thing to do is to figure out what you want. It is overwhelmingly tempting to spend all your time thinking about your ex. If you are the dumped, you can obsess over the reasons why ‘til all your friends start to sidle away nervously whenever you approach. If you are the dumper, you can flog yourself with guilt, or try to come up with ingenious forgiveness schemes. The best thing to do is put all the gut-wrenching misery to one side for a second and try to think about how you'd like your life to look. I know it's a tattered wreck right now and you're like the ancient mariner, fixing strangers with your crazy eyeball while you tell them all about what went wrong, but forget it. How would you like your life to be? Where would you like to live? What would you like to do with your time? With whom would you like to spend it?

Try to come up with answers that are achievable, because “I want to lose six stone and write a famous memoir that is hailed by all as a modern classic” will only make you feel like a failure. There are probably loads of things you want for yourself that you didn't pursue while you were inside your fluffy relationship blanket. Being in love is a wonderful distraction. You don't have to think about yourself or who you are if you can focus all your energy on someone else and be comfortable basking in their affection.

The break-up Arctic sucks balls, but once you've had all that comfy stuff stripped away from you, there's only you left. Kill a polar bear and make a badass winter coat. Learn to do that awesome belly-slide that penguins do. Be an explorer of yourself. And, when it's Valentine’s Day, think of something awesome you want to do, and make it happen. Failing that, if you can't find the energy to face all the hearts and flowers this year, consider an actual trip to the non-metaphorical Arctic. If nothing else, that should give you perspective.