Crystal Baws: December 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
With your guts heaving you scour the streets this Christmas for somewhere to use the loo only to be told there is “no room at the inn” time after time. Desperately you knock once more, and miraculously a kindly landlord explains that although the toilets are for customers only, you’re welcome to take a dump out back, “in the manger.”

TAURUS
You’re amazed to find your banging 400-strong Christmas parties are paradoxically categorised as 'anti-social' by the police.

GEMINI
A silver lining to your seven year old daughter’s pregnancy is that she’s a shoo-in for Mary at the school nativity.

CANCER
This year, after Obama is controversially moved to Santa’s naughty list, the US Military begin drone strikes in Lapland. The toll on the elf population is horrific, with entire families obliterated on a daily basis. Santa Claus releases a video saying that he will not stand for such attacks but the strikes continue, blowing up elves even as they tend to the wounded. On Christmas Eve, a solemn Santa announces that enough is enough and rides a sleigh loaded with high-explosives directly into the White House.

LEO
There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but there’s really only about half a dozen ways to fuck one.

VIRGO
In an attempt to improve efficiency you undergo a surgical procedure to turn your eye sockets, mouth, nostrils and ears into one large facial orifice. This should really help speed things up at work.

LIBRA
It turns out mistletoe is a parasitic plant which survives by penetrating and then sucking the life out of a host tree, making it the perfect symbol for a chance romantic encounter with you.

SCORPIO
You’re a bit short of money this Christmas and instead of getting a proper turkey from Iceland, you decide to have Bernard Matthews instead. It takes all night to dig him up and drag him back home. To make matters worse, once you’ve stuffed and got him in the oven the putrid green and black juices never seem to run clear.

SAGITTARIUS
It’s probably better if you don’t know.

CAPRICORN
Your local church’s nativity play focuses heavily on the Virgin Mary’s miraculous 22-hour labour. Soaked in sweat and blood, she screams at the top of her lungs and gnaws on Joseph’s hand. When the Three Wise Men show up she barks at them to “get to fuck!” before sobbing into the straw and quietly whimpering that there is no God.

AQUARIUS
You receive a Christmas Card from Cash Converters saying they’re looking forward to seeing you again this Boxing Day with all your children’s gifts in tow.

PISCES
You enjoy spending time with your family.