Crystal Baws: July 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
Your problems with premature ejaculation reach their peak this month when you blow your load the moment the tip of your penis enters the snake’s vagina. It looks at you wearily and seems to sigh with disappointment.

TAURUS
No matter what anyone says, always believe in your nightmares. You are living proof that nightmares can come true!

GEMINI
You have to take a leave of absence from your stockbroking job after a malignant tumour sprouting teeth and hair is found growing out of your soul.

CANCER
This month your balls get caught in the spokes of your penny-farthing.

LEO
Never satisfied in the bedroom, you snaffle away dildos in your crotch like a hamster stores nuts in its cheeks.

VIRGO
It can be very easy for us to flippantly diagnose people who annoy us with mental illnesses, and since you’re a qualified doctor it’s even easier to have them committed.

LIBRA
This month you manage to convince your boss that you’re dead and only he can see you.

SCORPIO
After months of listening to your nagging wife complain about how lumpy her side of the water bed is, you open it to find the bloated corpse of a scuba diving-expert pervert inside the fluid-filled mattress. A baffled policeman explains the highly-trained deviant appears to have swum in there for a wank and got trapped like a lobster. Maybe next time the wife tells you she can hear the dull cries of a drowning man inside the bed, you’ll listen more carefully.

SAGITTARIUS
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks in bed.

CAPRICORN
Lonely and wanting a friend to play chess with, you place an ad in the lonely hearts section of your local paper: “Very, very hairy guy, no SOH, WLTM enormous-jugged F for piping hot, no strings friendship.”

AQUARIUS
Your an idiot.

PISCES
Abseiling your way down into a cavern on the lookout for archaeological treasure you discover the titanic stone vagina of Mother Earth herself. Unfortunately, brushing dust away from the boulder-sized clit causes a shuddering global earthquake, killing over four billion people.