Crystal Baws: April 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
In April the BBC commission a pilot of your ultra-realistic soap opera, where all the characters do is talk about all the soap operas they watched on TV the night before.

TAURUS
You’re a shrewd investor when it comes to your own resources, that’s why you save as much sperm as possible down your local sperm bank in their new tax-free ISA. When it matures after four years you’ll have almost twice as much sperm as you put in there. Unlike these people who blow it all on a night out, or spunk it all on pearl necklaces for their girlfriends. You’re also shrewd enough to invest a load in a pension scheme to avoid hitting retirement and having to beg passers-by to masturbate into your upturned hat.

GEMINI
Your heart might be in the right place but your brain’s not.

CANCER
Cancerians are known for their protective outer shells. Sadly this month, after failing to keep up with mortgage repayments, NatWest repossess it, leaving your delicious naked innards vulnerable to attacks by office-bound predators. Don’t be surprised if a Piscean walks past and takes a large bite out of your back while you stand at the photocopier.

LEO
Your ruling celestial body is a supermassive black hole at the centre of our Solar System that up until now has been missed by astronomers. Mirroring its qualities, all you do all day every day is eat.

VIRGO
Life is like a PC. You fill your memory with unforgettably graphic images, become infuriatingly slow with age and eventually die from a killer virus.

LIBRA
Your belief in the miracle of transubstantiation sits uncomfortably with your newfound vegetarianism. There’s something about eating the still-living flesh of God that makes you feel queasy. Undeterred, you develop a form of Quorn Eucharist.

SCORPIO
In the midst of a manic fever and dripping with sweat you make a journey deep into the jungle on the hunt for the fabled Crystal Meth Skull, supposedly cooked up by an ancient alien civilisation and gifted to the Aztecs. Only its potent healing powers can save you now.

SAGITTARIUS
There’s nothing you like more than a trip to church on a Sunday with your family decked out in your best clothes to drink God's blood.

CAPRICORN
As Easter approaches you take time to remember those brave Roman soldiers who risked their eternal souls to rid the world of the itinerant cult leader Christ.

AQUARIUS
There’s two types of people in this world: the ones that make simplistic sweeping statements and the ones who read them like a bunch of idiots.

PISCES
Your new anti-ageing cream is so potent that after two weeks your boyfriend is arrested on child molestation charges and you’re put in a foster home, after four weeks you’re crawling around shitting yourself and after 12 weeks your cells undivide until you’re little more than a radiant zygote, guided by cilia towards your ageing mother’s ovary.