Crystal Baws: March 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
Peering over the railings on a day out at Sellafield, your safety goggles slip off into a vat of highly radioactive fission waste. Not wishing to break health and safety regulations you jump in after them, to the concerned yelps of your fellow tourists. Resurfacing with the smoking, misshapen goggles you manage to gurgle: “Don’t worry, got them,” just before your face melts off and floats away. While driving home you start to experience superpower symptoms, such as migraines, nausea and projectile vomiting. From that day forth you become known as Radiation Man, using your new abilities of fatigue, loss of consciousness and malignant tumours to catch criminal masterminds no matter where in the hospice they may lurk.

TAURUS
This month after finding out you’re pregnant, you begin inexorably mutating into a two-headed, eight-limbed monster which craves flesh.

GEMINI
If there’s one thing that makes hurtling through a senseless void easier, it’s the love and understanding of a fellow mammalian hominid.

CANCER
Cancer thrives in Uranus.

LEO
This month you get dumped by fax, sacked via a signpost left on your Farmville plot and learn of your mother’s death on Gumtree.

VIRGO
I spy with my little eye something beginning with you putting a gun in your mouth.

LIBRA
You need not be frightened. The headlights approaching you are God’s. He merely wants to drive over you with his love.

SCORPIO
Taking your PVC-encased gimp for walks becomes a bit of a chore when you realise that you legally have to bag his shit up and dispose of it in the special gimp waste bin.

SAGITTARIUS
This month you find your cat’s diary and discover to your surprise he is quite the little racist.

CAPRICORN
You put an advert on the internet about your desire to be eaten as part of a sex fetish. When your potential dinner guest turns up though, after having a quick look around, he decides that your terrible diet and cramped living conditions means it wouldn't just be unhealthy to eat you but also unethical.

AQUARIUS
This month you create an app to calculate and track the approximate number/weight of bowel movements the Queen has done since she was coronated. Users can toggle between live graphs and historical 3D charts while receiving push notifications upon each new deposit. When the app goes live Her Majesty is at 56,575lbs, or 25.6692 tonnes. She’s trailing Queen Victoria by less than a tonne.

PISCES  
You believe it’s possible to alter human DNA through chanting and meditation. Maybe you could alter your DNA to give yourself a brain.