Crystal Baws: June 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
After being on the waiting list for years about your depression, following a groundbreaking 36 hour medical procedure you become the recipient of the world’s first ever pig brain transplant.

TAURUS
Waiting in line at the bank a cold revolver pushes into your spine while a hushed voice demands you put everything you have into the bag. Complying with these orders you turn to see the bank manager tuck the gun into his waistband, write you out a deposit slip and make a swift getaway through the door into his office.

GEMINI
Your priest explains that Jesus is inside you, like a squatter.

CANCER
During a routine check-up your doctor is surprised to discover a full set of adult human teeth growing out of your sphincter. He sends you to the dentist to have them removed and replaced with a set of clacking anal
dentures you have to clean and glue in every morning.

LEO
Hours of late night research in the backwaters of the internet leads you to uncover evidence of a previously unknown conspiracy theory. Despite what the mainstream media want you to think, JFK was actually killed by a tiny gun the CIA hid inside his skull.

VIRGO
Tired of that bloated feeling? Later this month when an extraterrestrial civilisation starts mining Uranus for its inexhaustible supplies of natural gas, you'll start to feel lighter, more energetic and less clogged.

LIBRA
After finally getting rid of your rat infestation you find a family of humans living in the basement. Exasperated, you put down some poison and try to hide your food, but they keep having bowls of your cereal. Eventually
you find the adult male stuck to the 9ft glue trap you left in the loft, dehydrated and scared. It must have been up there for days. Squeamish about having to kill it yourself, you cover it with a bit of rug and hit it with a plank until it stops squealing.

SCORPIO
As bad luck would have it, this month you meet and marry your anti-soulmate.

SAGITTARIUS
Following in the footsteps of Jesus you decide to make wine out of your own blood. The brewing is successful, with tasters commenting on the oxygen-rich bouquet, with hints of iron and notes of hepatitis C.

CAPRICORN
Running out of condoms but desperate for sex, you try squeezing your battered penis inside one of the balloons you forgot to blow up for your child's birthday party.

AQUARIUS
Lifeless Mars gets Venus pregnant again with a new moon, clogging up the solar system with another aimless unemployed ball of rock, orbiting the sun and collecting free handouts of its precious solar energy.

PISCES
As the pork scratching is laid on your tongue someone in the darkness says, “Body of Lucifer.” You swallow and reply, “Amen.”