Crystal Baws: February 2013 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 04 Feb 2013

ARIES
While scuba diving this month you accidentally mix-up your oxygen tank with a pressurised colostomy tank. The first breaths taste of farts so you toggle the pressure gauge thinking it isn’t fully opened. Instead of life-giving oxygen however, it unleashes 200 atmospheres-worth of pressurised shit into your lungs and stomach, filling you up like a parade balloon. Lifelessly you float to the surface with a scuba mask of solid brown.

TAURUS
Next time you’re hungry, just remember: your entire arm is made of meat.

GEMINI
Washing the spunk out of your eyes with holy water after choir practice each week is getting a bit annoying.

CANCER
Neutered testicles make great cat toys. Ask your vet if you can keep the removed balls, attach a piece of string and watch with joy as your cat frantically chases them around the room trying to get them back.

LEO
You attempt to impress a potential employer by sending one of your kidneys through the post wrapped in a covering letter.

VIRGO
You are you. You will always be you. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you aren’t you. You are.

LIBRA
Tucking your children into bed they look at you with big innocent eyes and ask, “Mummy, what’s an abortion?” Stroking their hair you carefully explain that when a mummy and daddy don’t want a baby, the Abortion Stork swoops down from the sky and, after a brief introduction, surgically removes the foetus from mummy’s tummy using its special beak, gulping down the torn, mangled remnants as payment before soaring off into the black night from whence it came.

SCORPIO
You’re little more than a tube of human paste.

SAGITTARIUS
There’s something growing behind your ear. Eat it.

CAPRICORN
When your doctor declares you brain dead this month, it leaves the ghost of your brain trapped inside your skull.

AQUARIUS
You’re adventurous in the bedroom, often climbing all over your partner’s body using pulleys and ropes and orienteering your way around their legs with the aid of a compass. Camping out on your partner, you dig a latrine in the small of their back. Better get some rest, at dawn you are going to explore Pube Valley by firelight.

PISCES
Having taken to sexually abusing plants, you force ivy to grow up your shaft and ejaculate into the open mouths of your Venus flytrap. Safe in the knowledge the plants will never betray your secret, you observe with relish that when the traps reopen your seed has been consumed. This February however, you discover with horror a meaty stalk with your eyes beginning to sprout from the soil. You flinch from its sentient gaze as it watches you pace back and forth. You know by now, you’re either going to go to prison or win the Nobel Prize.