Santa Eggs: The Industrial Heart of Christmas

As the cold nights draw in and the winter solstice looms, we all begin to look forward to the annual ritual of gathering together beneath the Christmas tree, where we exchange enormous boxes of Santa Eggs.

If there’s one thing we can all agree on in this crazy world, it’s that everyone loves the taste of warm Santa Eggs fresh from the box. But have you ever stopped to think, where do they come from? Who harvests the delicious eggs that we gorge ourselves on night and day every Christmas? We discover how the Santa Egg magic originally started by interviewing the company’s founder, Bernard Manberger.

Mystic Mark: Thanks for agreeing to see us Bernard, we know you’re insanely busy.
Bernard Manberger: Oh not at all! It’s always nice to be able to tell our side of the story.

Darren Icke: Now from what I understand, santas haven’t always been known for producing eggs, have they?
BM: No, that’s right. At one time there was only a single santa, or ‘Santa Claus’ as he was known. In fact people at the time didn’t even know he was capable of laying eggs, let alone what they would taste like.

DI: So tell us, how did you first get into the santa business?
BM: Well, when my daughter was only seven she heard a rumour that Santa didn’t exist and became terribly upset. In my attempt to reassure her, I managed to acquire a stray beard hair that the original Santa left on a stocking in a house in South Korea. That was back in ‘96. The hair wasn’t enough to convince my daughter, but, since my background is in molecular biology and genetic engineering, I decided to have a crack at seeing if I could use the DNA in the hair to clone a new santa in my basement lab.

MM: You mentioned in your interview with Terry Wogan that you had a bit of difficulty perfecting the process?
BM: Yes [laughs] that’s a funny story actually. The cloning process was very new at the time and some of my first attempts were abominations. Absolute obscenities of nature. At one point, one of the worst ones even escaped from the lab and I had to destroy it with a flamethrower. You should have seen it, completely on fire, scuttling up the walls and across the ceiling, screeching and squirting acidic liquid from its mandibles.

DI: [Laughs] I would like to have seen that!
MM: So when you finally perfected the first santa, how did you discover that they laid such delicious eggs?
BM: That was a surprise! I unveiled the first fully-functional santa in our living room on Christmas Day ‘98. My daughter was over the moon. She just couldn’t stop clapping her hands and laughing and this did something to the santa, its eyes lit up and it began laughing too, clapping along. It became so jolly that it squatted down and laid an egg, right there on the carpet. We found out later that the sound of children’s laughter activates the egg-producing gland deep inside the santa. That was a revolutionary discovery. A real eureka moment! And of course, I wasted no time in discovering what it tasted like. Fantastic!

DI: And so the Santa Egg Company was born, or should I say, laid!
BM: From those humble beginnings, a single santa locked in a cage in my basement lab, today we are extracting eggs from over 5,000 santas in this warehouse alone, and we have over a hundred facilities across five continents. We ship all over the world, just like Santa used to.

MM: So, I see we’re approaching the main entrance of the facility. Are the santas on the other side of that door?
BM: That’s right. Through there we keep the santas. Thousands of them, all bellowing out “Ho, Ho, Ho!” and “Merry Christmas!” in a cacophonous roar. That’s why we insist you wear those ear-defenders, the sound is really quite deafening.

MM: I have a pair of these for when I’m practising my scream therapy.
BM: So, now we’re all kitted up, let me take you inside...



DI: Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you really cram them in there. And what a smell! I can imagine disease could be a problem?
BM: It can be – since the santas are so densely packed, any infection spreads rapidly. That’s why we keep them pumped full of antibiotics. A healthy santa is a productive santa, so we take all necessary precautions. Beard lice were a big problem in the beginning, but not now since we herd them through a chemical dip every three months.

MM: I can almost hear something above the roar, a different sound.
DI: Yes, it, it sounds a bit like... children’s laughter?
BM: Oh yes. Remember I told you how I discovered the santa’s egg-laying ability? Well nowadays we blast in the sound of child laughter to keep them laying around the clock. That particular laughter is from my own daughter, I recorded it especially.

MM: A family business in the truest sense!
DI: So the child laughter is to help the santa lay, but I imagine it could help with their well-being and merriment too?
BM: To a small degree, yes. Unfortunately when we first started, suicide was a problem. There’s something about being locked in a cage and forced to lay eggs that seemed to make them just give up. They were happier if we allowed them to produce toys in a small wood workshop, but that cut into egg-laying time. We realised the quickest and easiest way to keep their merriment levels high was to give them sherry, which we now administer intravenously.

MM: What is that multicoloured sludge the santas are eating?
BM: Ah, well we prepare a special nutritious, creamy trifle that is pumped into the troughs running along in front of the santa cages. It contains all the vitamins and minerals they need, including an extra large dose of vitamin D, since the santas never see actual sunlight.

DI: Sounds delicious.
MM: How long do these santas tend to live?
BM: Well, our santas are alive from July right up until the end of December. The facility closes down in January and thus to optimise profitability we cull 97% of the santas by roasting them on a gigantic pyre. Since Santa Eggs PLC. is committed to the environment, we like to offset our carbon footprint by using the ashes from composted santas to grow organic Christmas trees to furnish your home during next year's festive consumption cycle.

DI: Fantastic. You’ve really thought of everything!
MM: Your daughter must be very proud of how far things have progressed since that first jolly santa of her childhood.
BM: Well, that’s a bit of a difficult issue actually. She went off to university last year and joined one of these animal rights groups. We don’t entirely see eye-to-eye about intensive santa farming. Which is a shame, I did have hopes of her joining me here one day. We haven’t talked for what must be...

DI: I’m sorry to interrupt. That is a shame. But all this talk of Santa Eggs has made me ravenous! Can we go? I think I can smell the gift shop.
MM: Yes. Well, thank you Bernard Manberger for letting us see inside your wonderful factory. It’s been lovely.
BM: The pleasure’s been all mine. Thank you, Your Holiness, and Doctor Icke...

MM: So there you have it! Next time any readers of The Skinny see a lorry-load of shivering santas being transported down the motorway, they’ll know a bit more about where they’re going, and how they’re cared for. A fascinating look inside one of the UK’s fastest growing industries.