Crystal Baws: March 2012 Horoscopes

ARIES

Saturn’s adverse ring angle means you find yourself still inhabiting a rat-infested basement with a broken toilet and no lights in March. Try not to weep as you attempt to exit the flat one fine morning only to step on a plastic bag filled with your own excrement, its soft contents erupting through the gaps between your toes as it pops.

TAURUS

Kid yourself you've got a family tree if you like, but it's all just roots.

GEMINI

This month you ring my £1.53 per minute astrology hotline where I'll explain to you in intricate detail and impossibly slowly why and how the universe will soon siphon all your money away.

CANCER

As a pole dancer, your life is filled with glamour, intrigue and countless mouth-breathing, pot-bellied men covered in wispy tobacco-like hair. 

LEO

This month you die and go to Heaven. Sadly, because it transpires every sperm that died in all of mankind's history also had a soul it's now an undersea world up there. God's up to His beard in slime. Enjoy eternity.

VIRGO

Your life amounts to an icicle of frozen piss spinning silently through space.

LIBRA

Good things are going to happen this month, just not to you.

SCORPIO

Stop taking so many Class As. Having a conversation with you these days is like trying to talk to a dog whilst firing a powerful garden hose at its face.

SAGITTARIUS

Pull your fingers out of your eyes, that’s not your girlfriend, it’s a breezeblock with a wig. You need help.

CAPRICORN

This month you die and your last wish is fulfilled: being posthumously turned into mince and canned in a factory, a can to each person attending your funeral, the epitaph on the side reading: 'Feed me to your dog, make me into a lasagne or simply throw me in the sea. The choice is yours.'

AQUARIUS

It's only after you've made passionate love to the chimpanzee you begin to ponder how close its DNA is to that of a human. Your attempts to feed it a morning after pill hidden in a banana prove fruitless. Halfway through March you finally give it a pregnancy test and to your horror two lines appear. Before the year is out your hairy spouse will have given birth to an abomination which will shake religion to its core. 

PISCES

Nope, nothing. I’m getting nothing. The energy pipes must be blocked again.