Crystal Baws: October Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 30 Sep 2011

ARIES

In October you finally fall on that spike all your friends bought you for your birthday back in April.

TAURUS

This month you suffer a suspiciously realistic dream about having sex with a jackal as robed, mantra-chanting Satanists splash bloody sigils on your torso using chicken feet. A week of projectile morning sickness and a pregnancy test later you discover you are with child. Alas, due to your pro-life beliefs, a termination is out of the question.

GEMINI

Shifting the colour of your aura by wearing stupid hippy clothes you now attract Caucasian Capricorns with flea-ridden dreadlocks who are viciously intolerant of cleaning products and won’t stop going on about 9/11.

CANCER

You have your head so far up your boss’s arse your eye sockets are his nostrils.

LEO

Since Mars had an argument with Venus over the gravity bill the violent sexual relationship you share with your hand will continue right through until November. Also, due to spasms in Neptune’s orbit in your 3rd Onanism Quadrant your hand repeatedly punches you in the face and balls after every ejaculation.

VIRGO

You grow tired of being told you need to get a job by humourless 40-somethings who have jobs yet have grey, tear-stained complexions, glassy, lifeless eyes and unknowingly air-click the button of a mouse with their index finger whilst they sit lecturing you in the pub.

LIBRA

This month you at long last meet ‘The One’. Sadly yours is a sadist and unfortunately you’re not a masochist. I don’t make the rules.

SCORPIO

October sees you commence art school determined to kick-start the revolution with that scathing A3 poster damning American foreign policy. You slot right in amongst the ranks of amateur shit-doodling hooligans, plaid-clad daubers and self-satisfied fashion fascists.

SAGITTARIUS

Greedily seeking longer dreams you augment your already top spec willow dreamcatcher using super-conducting magnets. The consequences prove dire. Passing out, time dilates and you spend the next 100 trillion years enduring the deep subconscious fears of every man, manatee, dog and hamster currently alive on Mother Gaia. 8 Earth hours later your friends should brace themselves for a personality shift.

CAPRICORN

If you see a ghost, say hello to it. Don’t be a dick.

AQUARIUS

On the 15th strange lights hover in the night sky above your farm. You discover mutilated cattle, their lips and gums harvested by lasers, their arseholes cored out. Camouflaged in a hedge the next night you witness the UFOs appearing again. Before the discs zip off into the zenith, you steady your rifle sight on one only to see a sign that reads simply: ‘FARMFOODS. Great Food At Amazing Prices’.

PISCES

My crystal ball has hard-drive issues and sadly there’ll be no Pisces predictions this month. Hopefully those fucking mouth-breathing nerds at Apple’s ‘Genius Bar’ will sort it out by November.