Crystal Baws: August Horoscopes

ARIES

A ghostly aura of ethereal bluebottles orbits your gapingly open mind. You might want to have that seen to. At least clean around the rim. Disinfect the U-bend of your perception with some metaphysical Cillit Bang. The stink of energy is getting too much.

TAURUS

In 100 years everyone alive right now on Earth will either be as dead as Rod Hull or preserved in an ice prison by future generations furious at our climate crimes. What troubles your mind however is how much alcohol and pornography you can consume before you stop breathing.

GEMINI

Freddy Krueger might be stalking your dreams these days but he’s playing the long game, making disparaging remarks about the benefits of fruit and vegetables and telling you smoking two fags at once makes you look “even cooler.”

CANCER

You give that porn film you watch this month a 5-sock rating. It’s the best you’ve ever watched. Unfortunately you didn’t do the laundry on Sunday and have to go to work wearing socks stiff with DNA.

LEO

Wanking yourself daft in the first week of August you forget to pay the electricity bill and spend your weekends in the dark popping spots on your arse.

VIRGO

This month you’ll use some verbs and nouns when you speak to someone at work or at home. You’ll find the need to blink and swallow food during the day. Finally, Pluto’s orbit causes you to put shoes on before venturing outside.

LIBRA

Horny Venus thrusts herself unlubricated into your 3rd House of Lust in August commencing a WWF Rules lovemaking session with your partner, first blood from the crotch wins. Be wary of executing a piledriver attack on your soulmate’s genitals however. Two letters hold significance: A and E.

SCORPIO

If God couldn’t lift a finger to stop the brutal torture and murder of His only Son, what makes you think He cares about your “lucky dip” Thunderball ticket?

SAGITTARIUS

Give up on love. Most people would rather kiss the gears of a whirring mincing machine than your lips.

CAPRICORN

Your fear of flying is completely irrational, the only way this plane is going to crash is if you detonate the 12 sticks of TNT you have jammed in your colon.

AQUARIUS

As everyone knows true love is all about the heart and I want to make powerful, squelchy love to yours.

PISCES

You thought those cowboy fumigation guys had removed all traces of that alien queen from your garage until a face hugger latches onto your husband’s wrong end while he’s on the exercise bike and lays an extraterrestrial egg in his guts. When he regains consciousness you believe all’s fine, until brunch when a xenomorph bursts face-first out of his rectum and carries your kids off screaming into the air ducts.