The Apocalypse: An Introduction

We always knew the world would end; the signs were obvious. Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked taking $443,140,005 at the box office is pretty much how the universe tells Planet Earth the results of its AIDS test.

Cold fact: Everything ends and since 99.999% of everything is not Tango & Cash it usually won't end with a radical high-five. It usually ends badly like Boys Don't Cry or Weekend at Bernie's 2. And, as Cher and Mumm-ra from ThunderCats are the only 2 people who might possibly live forever, I had safely assumed that since I had never once had sex with Sonny Bono or fired lightning at a cat, I would be dead long before the planet got a chance to explode me.

I was utterly wrong.
 
According to a supernatural calendar that historians just interpreted, the world expires on 21 December 2012. I think the words you are looking for rhyme with 'HOLY SHIT.' Archeologists, taking a well earned break from their daily job of unleashing things from tombs for Brendan Fraser to punch, revealed a mysterious Mayan synopsis of the entire history of the world. (SPOILER: we all die at the end.)

You may remember the Mayans as the angry naked men throwing bee hives at each other in Mel Gibson's movie Apocalypto. Turns out that as well as being bee-covered, the Mayans were actually pretty smart. Historically recognised as innovators in art, astronomy and construction, the Mayans also invented the concept of a calendar exactly 2006 years before Jessica Simpson's agent realized he had 12 different pictures of her rubbing her crotch on a petrol pump.

A system of organising days for social, religious, commercial, or administrative purposes may not seem all that mind-blowing to you but you have to understand that the Mayans devised this during an era in history where the only way we measured units of time was by slowly counting out loud the seconds between screaming Viking-attacks. 

Calendars are awesome. They tell me which days the full moon falls on and when to celebrate Super Mario Weekend. They also allow me to carefully note which particular date my girlfriend's birthday is on so that I can absolutely guarantee her a day that is both heroically sexy and heartwarmingly thoughtful. It also reminds me that three days after that, I'll have to return Big Trouble In Little China to Blockbuster's.

So what makes the Mayans' calendar so different from the Firefighting Hunks of 2012 I have proudly hung on my wall? While mine is 12 months of dreamy-eyed, shirtless emergency service men revealing several health-and-safety-flaunting inches of visible cock-neck, the Mayans' was released in summer 205 AD, covered 20 centuries and included several dimensions of reality that may have escaped your notice. Not only is it the most advanced and complex calendar ever invented but it also predicts the future, which is pretty impressive for a bunch of people who wrapped their genitals in vegetable leaves.

The thing about the Mayan calendar that has everyone so excited is that after 732190 days it abruptly ends in December 2012. Hunky Firemen 2012 also ends in December but while mine concludes with 'Jonathan' who 'Keeps his pole well oiled for an instant response,' the Mayan's ends with 'FUCKING APOCALYPSE.'

So I guess that's it then. Cash in our chips. Jungle-men just wrote us out of the cosmos. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of Armageddon – I've seen that film at least 4 times.

I turned to the internet for answers. Even though my last few searches included the terms 'Last Starfighter space helmet' and 'TITS', Google was pleasantly unphased by 'WHY WE DIE IN 2012?'. It didn't take long to discover that the online community had roughly 50 billion somethings to say about the end of the world.
If countless strangers across the globe can collaborate to provide a detailed background and life history to the space Wolf-Man you saw for two seconds in Star Wars Episode IV, they sure as shit could tell me how afraid I should be about our approaching mass extinction.

ANSWER: VERY

According to the internet The Mayan Prophecy is 100% real because:
a) It's old.
b) It suddenly ends.
c) It has predicted almost seven things that have totally sort of happened.

Despite a convincing argument I decided to play devil's advocate before buying a shot gun and sealing myself into the wall with a 12 months supply of Bibles.

There is an ill-informed assumption that when something is really old, it automatically holds some form of ultimate truth and supernatural wisdom. If that's true, my grandfather is about three armchair-based bowel movements and an episode of Heartbeat away from being a sorcerer.

As for the predictions, it all seems to be a case of pareidolia. Random images, objects and stimuli can often be misinterpreted as meaningful and significant if you try hard enough. Given the right environment and state of mind, clouds can often look like elephants and my hand can be Lynda Carter in her most exciting crime fighting costume ever.

Vague references to great wars, huge waves and towers falling are apparently proof enough of the future-predicting powers of the Mayans. If you gave me two hours, a pen, some paper and a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando, not only would I have one hell of an erection, but I'd also have a solid gold argument that when Arnie finally impales Vernon Wells with a metal tube and says 'let off some steam,' he was predicting the threat of global warming. Come to think of it, the Mayans describe a time when 'Man's creations will destroy him' which is entirely the plot of Terminator.

He also starred in a movie called End of Days which wasn't very good.

Obviously the unfinished madness of a long-dead culture who had a better record in pretty vases than not-chopping-each-others'-heads-off-to-please-the-moon is subject to some technical issues. Sure, the Mayans were smart enough to invent a complex system to predict the future, but they weren't smart enough to see the Spanish coming. You'd think a culture who could confidently anticipate every planet-devastating event up until the cancellation of our existence might have bookmarked June 1520: 'Fruity guys in armour visiting. Totally going to fuck us up. Remember to get flu jab.'

By 1697 the Mayans and most of their culture were gone and everything smelled of paella. There was no one left to tell us that what we were freaking out about was actually the equivalent of a gigantic Magic 8-Ball where one in four of the results was 'SHIT YOUR PANTS.'

Rational minds whose field of expertise extended to 'not being crazy' are on hand to offer reassurance.
Despite the publicity generated by the 2012 date, Susan Milbrath, curator of Latin American Art and Archaeology at the Florida Museum of Natural History, states, "We have no record or knowledge that [the Mayans] would think the world would come to an end," in 2012, and when it comes to haunted calendar arguments, some woman who has a degree in Ricky Martin and dinosaur skeletons beats three million anonymous internet men hands down.
 
So will the world end on 21 December 2012? Who knows.

If we do discover that the ornate Mayan carving of a large Austrian muscle-man crotch-hammering one of his kitchen staff was actually a heads-up on the uniquely insurmountable value of life, we are going to feel pretty stupid for not picking up on the fucking obvious.

So take my advice people. Have fun this year. Go out, meet people, share love – rent Tango & Cash.
Happy New Year everyone.