Stars - May 2007

TAURUS
Your star sign stone thing is emerald, which I bet you knew already. Still, you need me to tell you that if you eat too much by way of limes, peas or salad this month you'll turn into a lawn. My job is about saving lives. What gets you up in the morning?

GEMINI
Increasingly twins are in demand for porn. You could try to persuade people that as a Gemini you are, strictly speaking, twins, and then make a mint as a jazz flick star. How much you make is dependent on what shit you're willing to do, and your cheekbones, same as all 'professions'.

CANCER
Cancer's ruling planet is the moon. Fuck sake. Moon's not a planet. It's just a moon. Some moons are bigger than others, some moons are even bigger than some planets, but the fact is anyone who is a Cancer has fundamental identity issues.

LEO
You Leos only ever want to be rich 'n' famous, which makes you decent company until you're about twenty-five and then you start getting grouchy. I make forty grand a year spending half an hour a month doing this, but that's 'cause I'm psychic and you're not.

VIRGO
Virgos are all about being loved. I suppose that's why they're such creeps round the office, always egging for promotion or bullying folk. Virgos do life like virgins do sex.

LIBRA
Libra is the star sign that sounds most like a kind of car, but there actually used to be a Ford Scorpio and Taurus, and Renault Clios. Don't let this get to you personally. One day you can start your own car company that makes flying cars and call them Flying Libra Cars marks one, two, three etc.

SCORPIO
It's decision time. Are you going to bother reading on when I'm plainly chatting shit, or save a few precious seconds of your short time on the planet? It's not exactly life and death. But then nothing ever really is (despite what they try to tell you). Now wasn't that worth reading on for?

SAGITTARIUS
On 13 May the stars align and you'll be surprisingly good at bowls, despite never having played before, if you choose to play bowls that day. Otherwise the 18th is well placed for blackjack fortune. Do both and write and tell me how right I was.

CAPRICORN
Don't act the giddy goat. Cultivate your beard and rub shoulders with your enemies.

AQUARIUS
In astrological terms it doesn't matter a jot that your sign is first in the alphabet. It doesn't really matter in any terms, except lexicographical ones. But it makes you a bit happy doesn't it?

PISCES
The one thing that's better about living with your girlfriend compared to living with your brother: uncontested sock ownership. You have to take the smooth with the rough.

ARIES
Your birthday's miles off, and so's Christmas. Your best bet is to save up, never go out and don't use a bank account, what with internet fraud and tax and shit - just pile it under the bed and count it loads.