Hirsutes You, Sir! Or, A Guide to Comedy Barnets

You can’t always judge a book by its cover. Unless that cover has several wolves and an eagle on it. Also, if its title refers to ‘killing’ or ‘the end of days’. Then you can go ahead and presume it’s the greatest piece of literature since Apocalypse Howl by Franco Vendetta.

If you are the kind of person that judges books by covers, you more than likely judge humans by hairstyle. Which is also a risky business. Unless of course those people are comedians, in which case there is a fair chance you can get all the information you need about them by their preferred coifs.

Some comedians actively encourage this judging, letting you know what you're in for by the style they sport, slavishly attending to a barnet so that you will know if they are about to spout absurdisms, observations or pithy one-liners. Some, though, just like to look pretty for you.

Balding

It is a natural part of male life that you will lose hair as you get older. For most, a quick Bic razor to the remainder of the hair will suffice, letting you go about your day. For comedians, however, this is something that can be used to set tone. World-weariness sounds better coming from someone who may have torn their own hair out at the vapidity of youth and the stupidity of the modern world. Offering up vicious barbs about the decline of man can be very depressing, but uproariously funny.

Examples: Louis CK, Larry David, Dara Ó Briain

A Haircut

This is when someone has had their hair done to such a degree that it’s all you can think about. It takes over. Highlights, straighteners, curlers and an atomic amount of hairspray make the act look different, letting you know from the off that they will be as flamboyant and ridiculous as their bouffant. Comedy audiences can be judgmental folks, so having such a ludicrous haircut can give you a mountain to climb from the off – and goes a long way towards explaining why people are only now warming to Russell Brand, despite his solid comedy chops that have been in evidence for years.

Examples: Russell Kane, Russell Brand, Noel Fielding

Long Hair

Long hair will always single you out. No matter where you are from, it always seems that having long hair is subverting normal practices. How dare you not get your hair cut you hippy! Being singled out from youth helps these comedians to form their own outsider view of the world – to see it from outside the mainstream, and thusly to have a more astute yet whimsical take on the things we take for granted. And in being smelly, untrustworthy hippies, there’s a good chance they've partaken of strange substances, helping to colour their worldview and therefore enhance yours.

Examples: Ross Noble, Bill Bailey, Mitch Hedberg

Disheveled

Displaying as much disregard for their audiences as they do for their physical appearances, these comics will mostly seem drunk, drugged or otherworldly. Not caring about conventions means these cavemen-like characters can play with traditional comedy tropes and offer something new – and they give you fair warning of how many directions their mind will go in by the wayward follicles sprouting from their dome. A beard as haphazard as their mane may indicate an even weirder experience.

Examples: Zach Galifianakis, Reggie Watts, Dylan Moran