Five Tips from a Wellness Guru for a fit New You

1. Get kitted out

Make sure you buy the most expensive and unnecessary gym gear you can – patterned designer leggings, boutique sports bras and £20 glass water bottles. Once you’ve bought all that, you will have no money left for evil, evil food.

2. Eat Clean

If you absolutely must eat food, you should think about cutting down on toxins. Toxins are classified as any food with high amounts of chemicals, and processed, or anything that is enjoyable, fun, delicious or might remind you that you have tastebuds. Most fruits and vegetables contain high amounts of fructose. In fact, only artichokes are 100% fructose free, so I suggest following my diet of one artichoke for every meal, followed by one cup of hot water. Your salty tears will make excellent flavouring.

3. Exercise well

If you are health-conscious it is likely that you already jog, practise yoga and attend a spin class. My advice is to stop. This is not effective exercise. In order to exercise properly, you need to be in constant exhaustion and discomfort. Stick a couple of weights down your trousers so every step is a painful reminder of your hugeness. Soon, you can hang a dumbbell round your neck like a weird, shame-inducing pendant. If you don’t feel terrible, you’re doing it wrong.

4. Clean yourself inside out

This is something I do every day, based on the advice of Guru Gwyneth Paltrow. While making a green tea, I’ll place the freshly steaming kettle underneath my groin, allowing the steam to flush out all my vaginal toxins, such as my uterus lining and a few of my internal organs. The burning pain will help remind you that you are impure and deserve to suffer.

5. More protein and fat, less sugar

Ideally you should be eating more protein than anything else. While conventional meats and animal products do contain protein, it is not enough to make a difference to your disgusting body. Instead, try protein rich fat friends. Your chunkier friends will even thank you for ending their miserable lives. Get lean, toned and ready for a year of going to the cinema alone because you ate your friends.

Follow @EleanorMorton on Twitter.