Esoteric Christmas Gift Guide 2012

Stop a minute, traveller, let me lighten your burden! Cross my palm with silver, your grandmother’s gold, or if you’re a bit short, my palm now accepts all major credit cards.

WEEGIE BOARD (£40)
Bring any dinner party to life by contacting raucous and threatening deceased weegies via this mystical board. Watch in amazement as the glass violently slides across the letters, spelling out obscene remarks punctuated by gruff swear words, all the while asking you what the fuck you think you’re looking at, and if you have 18p for the bus. Mystic Mark accepts no responsibility in the event of a poltergeist weegie using the apparatus to physically glass participants.

AROMATIC BULLSHIT (£6)
Run a hot bath, light a candle, sit back, relax and unwind with the scent of soothing, aromatic bullshit. Let the radiant energies immerse your soul and enlighten your spirit. Each individual aroma draws on bullshit passed down generation to generation by ancient cultures from all over the world. Simply light a match and find yourself transported to the Aztec rainforest, where a shamanic priest bathes you in ceremonial bullshit. Then, journey across the Himalayas, where incense from sacred bullshit rituals fills the air, untethering your true spirit-self and wafting you upwards into the sky. Or merely drift upon a rosewater lagoon as fragments of bullshit float between your toes. No matter which particular aromatherapeutic option you seek, we stock the entire range of smelly bullshit.

DR. DARREN ICKE’S TINFOIL WALLPAPER (£4.95)
Sick and tired of having your thoughts controlled from space by the CIA? Protect your family from orbital mind-control lasers with these special rolls of Illuminati-proof tinfoil. Of course, the New World Order isn’t going to just let you slip out of their grasp that easily. They’re going to implant thoughts in your mind like “what a stupid product,” and “I’d have to be stark raving mad to buy that,” or “I could just use a regular roll of tinfoil instead of wasting my money.” Show them that you will not be controlled so easily. Cover your home in Dr. Darren Icke’s patented Tinfoil Wallpaper, which helps deflect harmful mind-control beams back into the ionosphere.

TOPLESS MAYAN ADVENT CALENDAR (£9.45)
Countdown to Apocalypse 2012 with these genuinely coffee-stained apocalyptic advent calendars. Features barely-legal Mayan virgins awaiting obliteration by some of the many disasters to be inflicted on mankind this December. From tornados to terrorism, alien invasion to asteroids and robot war to rapture. Prepare for the end of days by huddling over a piece of card in your house, fiddling with tiny windows so that you can look at drawings of boobs. Almost certainly not a rehash of a previous idea.

PARANOIA (£14.99)
PARANOIA, the blasphemous new stench from Mystic Mark. Whether you’re gracing the ambassador’s ball, out for a night at the opera, or simply entertaining guests in your luxurious apartment, bring any room to its knees with this obscene and wretched perfume. It is a fleeting conscious pleasure. From the first gasp, your vision begins to stutter and fade, the exquisite darkness closing in. Colours desaturate as you spiral down, down towards the foul event horizon from which the stench radiates. This abhorrent bouquet reminds us at once of the nightmarish futility of existence and the certainty of death, while drawing us towards a sensory abomination that can never be unsmelt. Immerse yourself in the inescapable fragrance of PARANOIA. An epidemic of putrid tang, the warm liquid steam of this demonic guff stings the eyes and withers the resolve. Whatever the occasion, tear your face a new pair of nostrils, with Mystic Mark’s PARANOIA.

SHAPESHIFTING LIZARD SKIN CREAM (WITH VITAMIN E) (£5.99)
Shapeshifting from lizard to human form is great for controlling Earth so you can mine gold to save your dying homeworld, but it’s not so great for your skin. When you’re juggling appointments and global depopulation deadlines, you don’t have time for an exhaustive skincare regime. That’s why there’s new Hypoallergenic Shapeshifting Lizard Skin Cream, for the hard-working reptilian overlord who wants to crush the human race AND look great. Revitalise dry cracked scales with the nutrifying formula, penetrating your watertight, abrasive epidermis with vitamin-enriched micro-molecules. Never again spend hours removing crusty nodules from your armoured eyelids or sandblasting your segmented underbelly. Instead, spend your life-cycle on the things that really matter to you: eating babies, manipulating financial markets and basking on rocks in the warm glow of Earth’s home star. Whichever form you’ve taken, simply lather the cream onto tough lizard scales or weak and thin human tissue. The vitamin E-rich formula gets to work fast, leaving your external membrane hard, reinforced and radiant. Start each day with that ‘just-shed-skin’ feeling!