Dream Gig: Lindsey Santoro

I’m lucky to have had so many brilliant gigs. Not my favourite one ever, but I once had an iconic gig in Sale, Manchester. I was having a really nice time but ran off stage once I’d finished as I was desperate for the bog. When I came back, the promoter told me the audience had been chanting for an encore but because I’d run off, I’d missed it. I’ve never had an encore before or since. It should have been the greatest moment of my comedy career but, unfortunately, I needed a wee and refuse to get a kidney infection for anything/anyone.

My ideal gig would be one run from my back garden. Comedians travel a lot so you get very excited when a gig is less than two hours away – thirty steps outside would be an absolute treat. The audience would be made up of people who love me unconditionally, so my husband David x 1000, and it’ll finish by 9pm because I want to go to bed.

To really enhance the gig, I’d set the stage up like a sushi belt so if I get fed up of somebody, I can press a button and they’re whizzed off stage (or swoosh them back if we want more). Forgot to add: the green room is a Chinese buffet! I love a Chinese buffet. The idea that there is always constant food available – hello, yes please.

My mom Tina, who looks like me but squashed, will come on before the show and between each act to belt out Whitney Houston’s The Greatest Love of All. It’s her go-to karaoke song, mainly because she finds it hilarious to change the word 'dignity' to 'virginity'. This is probably where my strange comedy stems from. My mom loved me too much and gave me too much attention as a kid so that’s why I’m the way I am now. A well-balanced child would’ve got a job in the civil service.

The compere for the evening is Phil Ellis, in his skin-tight cat suit. Phil claims that I poisoned him at the Fringe but it’s not true. I invited him over to my house for some toad in the hole, then he claimed the next day that I had tried to kill him – he just hadn’t eaten a vegetable in three months and his body wasn’t used to it. I will not go down for a crime I did not commit.

Opening would be Jo Brand. Come on, it’s Jo Brand. Do I need to give an explanation?! She’s just brilliant. What an icon.

Next, doing a tight five open spot, I’d have Linda La Hughes from Gimme Gimme Gimme. Any excuse to have Kathy Burke within 1m of me. She is everything I want to be as both a comedian and woman. An absolute role model and genius.

My pal Harriet Dyer is my third act, dressed as a dinosaur. I once had to spend ten hours in a box with them as part of a TV pilot and it was one of the most joyful experiences of my life. Of all the people in the world to be trapped in an empty room with, Harriet Dyer is the best. We both have such novel imaginations that we managed to keep ourselves entertained. The team on the other side of the box started to go a bit nuts, while the trick with me and Harriet is we’re both already demented so had a lovely time. 

After Harriet, I’ll have Harry Hill on because he makes me laugh so much. I saw his recent tour and can’t stop shouting “traybake” at people. I still maintain that his reboot of Stars In Their Eyes is the greatest thing to happen this century. TV Burp was a Saturday night staple for me – lest we forget, Wagbo.

I would close the show, wearing my wedding dress (I only wore it once and it was a lot of money). There’d now be a ring of fire on the sushi belt and I would have four men carefully carry me through it like a starfish (the wedding dress is realistically made out of quite cheap material so I could easily set on fire). I would do three minutes of material, get a standing ovation and be asked to do an encore. Only this time, I won’t run off for a wee.

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Lindsey Santoro: Pink Tinge, The Old Hairdresser's, Glasgow, 15 Mar, 7pm, £12, part of Glasgow International Comedy Festival
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