Comedian's Rant - Des Clarke
Why do we have to endure Prince Charles on TV preaching about the evils of GM crops when clearly the concept of genetic inbreeding has sustained his family for generations?<br/>
| 15 Jun 2006
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DROUGHT
Apparently we're in the midst of the worst drought for 100 years. I say apparently because it's evidently still raining and it's not sunny. To me that's not the worst drought for 100 years – that's the worst drought ever. Call me old fashioned but I expect a couple of basics from my droughts and that at the very least means a smidgen of dryness and a morsel of sunshine.
Be fair – the worst drought for 100 years? Let's just compare this to the previous 99… not exactly an arid heat-sapping century. I can't remember ever driving over sand dunes or knocking over a cactus on the way to work. Calling 2006 a drought is like necking a bottle of vodka every day of your life, then one day the off license is shut and suddenly you're teetotal.
Don't worry though, Scotland will escape the big bad drought because of our "plentiful supply of natural water resources" (ie – it still won't stop pissing down). And we're supposed to claim this as some sort of moral victory. That's like telling Abu Hamza he's got an unfair advantage at rock climbing. Technically true but scant consolation.
WORLD CUP IN ENGLAND
As a Scotsman living in London, this summer's World Cup is proving an interesting experience. Quick example: I walked into WH Smith to buy a newspaper (The Daily Record if you must know. The further you are from Scotland the more you miss the wholesome relationship advice of Just Joan…) and was greeted with the familiar "Do you want a half price…" Now, I expected the words Galaxy, bottle of flavoured water or giant Toblerone to follow. But no - I was offered an England Car Flag.
Forget the obvious "I'm not English" argument. Does a car really need a flag? Especially one bearing your national colours. Come on, who is going to believe that any foreign dignitary is going to be driven in a Ford Capri? What happened to car stickers anyway? They used to be great way of informing us that you had a baby on board or the frequency of your favourite radio station. Why must we all be flag bearers now? I'd be worried if I put the aerial down it might look like I'm in mourning and flying at half-mast.
Being a Scot in England I am completely in favour of the English getting behind their national team, just as we would north of the border. Maybe the daily reports of Wayne Rooney's monkeyfoot bones were a bit extreme but at least it made everyone forget about Preston and Chantelle. I've also never subscribed to this cheering for 'anyone vs England' mentality. I just don't have the energy to learn about the cultural oppression of Paraguay and I couldn't live with the guilt of giving another nation undying Scottish support only to condemn them to a last minute goal difference injury time defeat.
PRINCE CHARLES
Why do we have to endure Prince Charles on TV preaching about the evils of GM crops when clearly the concept of genetic inbreeding has sustained his family for generations?
TRAINLINE
I have found myself lately having to phone up to enquire about train times. It's a voice-activated service; well it is if you have the voice of Stephen Fry. Not exactly a platform for a regional accent to flourish. It's like watching The Price Is Right with the little skier going up the mountain – I knew whatever was translated onto the computer was going to be wrong, but just how wrong was it going to be? Glasgow to Bristol became Newcastle to Aberystwyth and Edinburgh to Aberdeen became Helensburgh to Pontypridd.
One 'dialogue' went as follows:
"When do you want to start your journey? Say 'Now' if you want to travel now."
'Now.'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recognise this. Try again"
'Now!'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recognise this. Try again"
'Now!!'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recog..."
'F@*k off!!'
"The next train to Dundee leaves in half an hour."
JODIE MARSH
A publicity whore without the publicity.
DROUGHT
Apparently we're in the midst of the worst drought for 100 years. I say apparently because it's evidently still raining and it's not sunny. To me that's not the worst drought for 100 years – that's the worst drought ever. Call me old fashioned but I expect a couple of basics from my droughts and that at the very least means a smidgen of dryness and a morsel of sunshine.
Be fair – the worst drought for 100 years? Let's just compare this to the previous 99… not exactly an arid heat-sapping century. I can't remember ever driving over sand dunes or knocking over a cactus on the way to work. Calling 2006 a drought is like necking a bottle of vodka every day of your life, then one day the off license is shut and suddenly you're teetotal.
Don't worry though, Scotland will escape the big bad drought because of our "plentiful supply of natural water resources" (ie – it still won't stop pissing down). And we're supposed to claim this as some sort of moral victory. That's like telling Abu Hamza he's got an unfair advantage at rock climbing. Technically true but scant consolation.
WORLD CUP IN ENGLAND
As a Scotsman living in London, this summer's World Cup is proving an interesting experience. Quick example: I walked into WH Smith to buy a newspaper (The Daily Record if you must know. The further you are from Scotland the more you miss the wholesome relationship advice of Just Joan…) and was greeted with the familiar "Do you want a half price…" Now, I expected the words Galaxy, bottle of flavoured water or giant Toblerone to follow. But no - I was offered an England Car Flag.
Forget the obvious "I'm not English" argument. Does a car really need a flag? Especially one bearing your national colours. Come on, who is going to believe that any foreign dignitary is going to be driven in a Ford Capri? What happened to car stickers anyway? They used to be great way of informing us that you had a baby on board or the frequency of your favourite radio station. Why must we all be flag bearers now? I'd be worried if I put the aerial down it might look like I'm in mourning and flying at half-mast.
Being a Scot in England I am completely in favour of the English getting behind their national team, just as we would north of the border. Maybe the daily reports of Wayne Rooney's monkeyfoot bones were a bit extreme but at least it made everyone forget about Preston and Chantelle. I've also never subscribed to this cheering for 'anyone vs England' mentality. I just don't have the energy to learn about the cultural oppression of Paraguay and I couldn't live with the guilt of giving another nation undying Scottish support only to condemn them to a last minute goal difference injury time defeat.
PRINCE CHARLES
Why do we have to endure Prince Charles on TV preaching about the evils of GM crops when clearly the concept of genetic inbreeding has sustained his family for generations?
TRAINLINE
I have found myself lately having to phone up to enquire about train times. It's a voice-activated service; well it is if you have the voice of Stephen Fry. Not exactly a platform for a regional accent to flourish. It's like watching The Price Is Right with the little skier going up the mountain – I knew whatever was translated onto the computer was going to be wrong, but just how wrong was it going to be? Glasgow to Bristol became Newcastle to Aberystwyth and Edinburgh to Aberdeen became Helensburgh to Pontypridd.
One 'dialogue' went as follows:
"When do you want to start your journey? Say 'Now' if you want to travel now."
'Now.'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recognise this. Try again"
'Now!'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recognise this. Try again"
'Now!!'
"I'm sorry, the computer doesn't recog..."
'F@*k off!!'
"The next train to Dundee leaves in half an hour."
JODIE MARSH
A publicity whore without the publicity.
Des Clarke performs at The Stand in Edinburgh on Wed June 21 at a benefit in aid of the Red Cross, and at the Glasgow Stand June 22-24.