2012: That Was The Year That Was

The year began in February, with lizard Queen Elizabeth celebrating her first millenium as grand wizard and esteemed monarch. In a spectacle reminiscent of the final round of a regal edition of The Generation Game, the monarch was saluted by a river parade of boats from box office smash film Battleship, her fragile memories fading away. But events took a sour turn when Prince Philip was rushed to hospital – surprising many as it is notoriously Prince Alberts which get urinary infections.

Thanks to EU legislation the speed of light was reduced to a uniform eight miles per hour, which has rather slowed things down. It's now easy to move faster than the speed of light, but rather than bringing about a Star Trek utopia this has simply led to everyone driving very slowly, and navigating largely by the sound of crashing metal. Some have switched to public transport for safety, but of course the seemingly healthy bus you're viewing may already have crashed, while its true image dallies behind, caught up in paperwork.

Closer to home, the completion of Edinburgh's first fully-functioning tramp system has been an unprecedented success. Announced just a short decade ago, the venture has seen tourists enjoy scenic tours of the city, featuring Edinburgh Castle and the Airport, from the comfort of luxury tramps. Arriving on time and under budget, the tramp system has helped re-define the capital for the 21st century – and looks set to redefine the ‘Edinburgh smell’ as well.

With economic prospects going from shit to up the shitter, the impending global financial catastrophe was averted thanks to Team GB's success in the London Olympics. We ran, we swam, we leapt, we scored, we threw down, we threw up and we hopped, skipped and jumped until eventually we made it through the long queues of security checkpoints to watch as our brave sporting troops earned gold medals and eternal glory.

Britain's most popular ever Chancellor, George Osborne, announced that the precious metals won by the team, including 17 silver medals and several hundred yards of lead piping left in a skip, will be redistributed to boost the county's economy. Announcing the plans at the Olympic Stadium, the assembled crowd showed their appreciation by screaming “we love you,” heavily emphasising the final word and its soft ‘b’ sound that is notorious in the Stratford dialect.

In even greater news for Greater London, Movember saw the confirmation that the Olympics had been re-commissioned for a second series in the spring. Having ended on a cliffhanger with athetics star Mo Farah debating an endorsement deal for the YMCA, the new series will hosted by Paddy McGuinness on ITV, after outbidding the BBC, by £37, a picture of a dog wearing a beefeater hat and a packet of soggy Hobnobs.

Finally, the technology world was stunned as Apple revealed that the iPhone 5 would be their last. In an announcement live streamed directly into people's eyeballs, Apple's player/manager Tim Cook acknowledged “This is it ladies and gentlemen – we've had a look and it turns out we have enough money now, so bye bye then.” Despite the revelation, Apple looks set to take over Silicon Valley start-up Pears, and rumours abound that a new product next year will “revolutionise the way we go up and down in buildings.”*

So congratulations for making it through another tumultuous 365 days, have yourself a very merry biscuit – we look forward to seeing you for Breast Cancer Awareness in Mammuary, next year.