2 & A Half Quarts of Warlock Blood
The new series of 2 & a Half Men is upon us.
The popular Charlie Sheen/John Cryer sitcom returns to our screens with all the usual wisecracks and cool one-liners... but this time it will be lacking something crazy-shaped.
Earlier this year Charlie Sheen, clearly having drunk deeply on the bone marrow of insane-hookers, lost his god-damn-mind. Appearing on TV talking about warlocks, Thomas Jefferson and ninja assassins, he sounded like he was reading from the movie-script I wrote when I was 9.
Unsurprisingly 'Bat-shit-insane' and 'cosy, middle of the road humor' don't mix. Since Warner Brothers weren't keen to put a 'Please-keep-your-children's-
With Charlie screaming and Tweeting his outrage at anyone who would listen, the resulting fuck-storm of publicity became a dream come true for the show's producers. The series was being talked about on every channel and in every newspaper the projected ratings for a new series guaranteed they'd make millions.
The key factor was Sheen.
Ideally, once everything had calmed down, they would have invited Charlie back on set for a high-viewing-figures return. Everyone would have been happy, the show could continue and Warner Brothers would finally be able to complete construction of their Giant-Robot Scorpion that runs on 'absence of laughter'. Sadly the bad blood between him and the makers of the show was worse than that he was apparently sucking from magical-warlock-strippers and their differences were irreparable.
So they just killed his character off and hired Ashton Kutcher to replace him. The Spanish have a term for this in cock-fighting circles: "Ano de comadreja? Qué mierda estabaspensando?" Roughly translated this means: to replace one's prize rabid rooster with a bag of weasel dicks.
I was tempted to review an episode of 2 & a Half Men for the benefit of future-space-historians. It could have been referenced in lectures entitled 'Shows that caused the Xur and the Ko-dan armada to explode us.'
Unfortunately, in order to review it fairly, I would have to actually sit down and watch it.
An entire episode. 20 minutes of Jon Cryer......And I don't hate my brain that much.
Thank God for science and Xbox'ery.
Having collectively seen enough of the show through the gaps in my fingers and my tears, I was pretty sure I could gather enough of it together to effectively recreate an episode via the magic of The Sims.
------------------------------
BUY MORE ZOVIRAX.
For those who don't know it, The Sims is a person-simulation-strategy game which allows you to recreate the horrific, not fun in any way, mediocrity of everyday life. This would be all too easy.
Although The SIMS has a pretty sophisticated 'character generation' system, I worried that it will fail to capture the true spirit of the show based around the comical exploits of two single, sexually active bachelors and a buttery teenage boy.
The game allowed me to create all 3 main characters in their 'hilarious' glory:
Charlie wears a bowling shirt and is 'Flirty' & 'Crazy'.
Jon Cryer got the undiluted recipe for belly-laughs with several helpings of 'Clumsy', 'Nervous' and 'uptight'.
I made the kid 'Fat'.
Had this been an episode of the new season, Ashton Kutcher's personality traits would include 'Unfunny' and 'Irritating', but sadly no option exists for 'Chin that smells of Demi Moore's balls'.
Combining Xbox with the delicate science of a sitcom has already delivered some remarkable results. Having constructed my mindless cast and built a set, the first hilarious episode was ready to roll. I called my episode Dick Full Of Pudding and set my characters off on a comically, outrageous adventure involving 'making a cake to impress the hot girls next door'.
Since sitcoms never have a scene where a main character takes a shit, I didn't bother building any toilets. Everyone involved better pray that their programming gives them battle-ready colons.
With only 3 hours until the girls came over for cake, Charlie and Jon got to work on the baking. They fooled around for a while, eating the ingredients and swapping sassy quips while I allowed Jake to surreptitiously drown in the swimming pool.
Things deteriorated quickly when Jon 'hilariously' allowed the cake to burn whilst pleading for the rectal release of 300lbs of pudding-mix. Admist the screams, Charlie wandered off to stare helplessly at the buttery corpse floating face down in the water.
Not wishing to let the mad-cap comedy of the show falter so early into my episode, I directed Charlie to rescue Jake with a broom and put his body in the fridge.
Jon, left alone to improvise, called the fire department to ask for advice on his imminent pudding-related-prolapse.
OH NO. The girls arrived early only to find fire, crippling abdominal shrieks and fridge-full of child.
I thoroughly enjoyed this episode and give it 4 stars.