When Fletch Met The Hoff 2: The Offspring

Everything about my Evening With... David Hasselhoff was outstanding. The queue to meet him was understandably massive and German and I was totally at the Non-Hasselhoff end of it. Vodka may be a sweet wingman but it's a treacherous sat nav, and it had taken me far from the man I planned to meet.

Luckily Shannon, my wife, stepped in. With balls that can only be measured in metric-fuck-tons, she strode up to a security guard who looked like what a Gorilla might produce if you asked it to draw 'death', and announced "FRED FLETCH IS HERE TO SEE MR HASSELHOFF, COULD YOU GO TELL HIM PLEASE?"

I've not seen such frantic walkie-talkie action since the remastered version of ET.

As I was brought to the front, my whole life flashed before my eyes, which was pretty cool because I got to watch Timecop 385 times again. Security signalled me and David turned round. A God. A Legend. A man who could kick my ass so hard, 9 months later Shannon would give birth to his shoe. This was happening.

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Me: Hi. I'm Fred Fletch.

The Hoff: Hi there.

Um, I did an phone interview with you before you came to Edinburgh.....

Oh.......OH! YOU'RE THAT GUY! YOU'RE THAT FRED FLETCH GUY!!!!!

Uh. Yes I am. And I'm sorry.

[Signaling his team including a security guard who looked like every henchman in TANGO & CASH] HEY, HEY. Come over here and meet this guy.

You're going to have me killed aren't you?

YOU!!! Listen, you phone me up and you ask me like 2 questions and you print every single thing I said. Son of a bitch. You only asked me 2 questions...and they were...um...Did I have sex with anyone in KITT AND...Would I, what was it?

...fuck one of the A-TEAM?

And I answered YES to both..... and you printed it.

You don't hate me too much do you? I was pretty smashed.

[Grabs me] I LOVED IT. You were great. YOU WERE AMAZING. I'll warn you though...My girl hates you.

Shit! [shouting] Sorry about the A-Team.

Were you in the audience tonight?

Yes I was. I fucking loved it. Your show was amazing. It touched me deeper and more passionately than my gym teacher.

I wish I knew you were in there. Where were you?

FRONT ROW!!!

NO! I would have gotten you up. Up on stage. For the Copacobana. You know, I did that because you suggested it. This show, it's all based around you now. I rewrote it...Oh man, I told them, some drunk guy just told me to drop that song and do Copacobana and I was like 'Hey. Let's do Copacobana' because, well you sold it to me. (pulling his musical assistant up) I told him about doing that song and he was 'NO DON'T DO IT', but I insisted, because of you.

Musical assistant: We had to re-write. Because of you.

I HAVE THE POWER TO INFLUENCE KNIGHTRIDER!

This show was about you man.

But it had your name on the tickets!

(Laughs, shaking head in disbelief) You coming back to the show? You going to get on stage?

I was actually hoping to get you to come to Karaoke with me. TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART!

Where?

[Names bar]

OK. We are Karaoke Kings. Here, contact us. We'll sort something out.

You are fucking amazing. (HUGS KNIGHTRIDER......and for those of you who are deaf, I'll repeat that: FUCKING HUGS KNIGHTRIDER)

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He spent time chatting with us and taking some photos, which by now are  probably being distributed to Knightrider hit squads around the planet.

The show is unashamably silly but 100% awesome. You spend an hour in the company of Michael Knight watching him kick the asses of some great songs and slow running to Baywatch. The only way I could make that sound better is if you replaced every letter of that last sentence with Giant-Anacondas and high-fives.

Hasselhoff knows exactly what he is and he shares it all.

He was and still is Knightrider.