The Skinny's Christmas Crackers
We’ve got industrial-strength puns, rock-solid punchlines and grincredible (watch out) jokes for when your supermarket crackers fail
Christmas is upon us. Unless you’re reading this mid-December, in which case pretend it’s next week and continue. Yes! The festive season is here, more heavily filled with merriment and cheer than a spoilt child’s stocking – and we decided that this year we’d throw a comedy Christmas meal. Not like having a turkey with the Groucho Marx glasses on, but a real meal, with comedians!
We’ve invited all our Spotlighters from over the past year, along with some of our other favourite comics. Liam Pickford is trying to smooth-talk the turkey over a glass of brandy and a charity shop suit; Gein’s Family Giftshop are insisting that they all sit on one chair and Will Setchell has gone off the whole idea of an organised sitting system, or any system at all. Anarchist, he’s an anarchist, that’s the joke bit (see below).
Jayne Edwards and David Stanier are drawing pictures of eggs with moustaches on the tablecloth – it’s totally adorable!
But enough insular references for one introduction – it’s time for the crackers! We’ve rummaged through our super-mega-best-friends-definitely, comedy connections and a few choice readers to find the best remedy for the Christmas joke blues. Read on, and bathe in the glory of festive chuckle!
I got a Nigel Farage action figure for Christmas. Ironically, my first thought was how I could send it back.
How long does it take to walk a dog in Mexico?
Chihuahuas.
How do you make an apple crumble?
SHOW IT A PICTURE OF ITS FAMILY TIED UP IN YOUR GARAGE
Did you hear about the man who had his head knocked off by a crisp?
He was decapotatoed.
@netmvaster
Dutch inventor of inflatable footwear has died in a tragic accident aged 94. Seems like he popped his clogs.
@TheFCUMBaglady
How do you get a panther out of the bathtub?
Seriously...... guys?
@EdyHurst
Why do calculators make good drummers?
Because they have a built-in algorithm.
@caddyisdaft
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I AM THE NIGHT STABBER. I CAN NOT BE STOPPED.
@FRED_FLETCH
What does a Christmas pudding have for pudding?
People – because it is time for revenge!
Why don't you automatically get a job in Santa's Workshop just because your dad's Chief Elf?
Because it's a Merry-tocracy.
@RikkyWiley
What is Father Christmas's wife called?
Mary Smith (she kept her surname, it's the 21st century)
@whiteleyjon
What’s a duck’s favourite TV show?
Twin Beaks.
@johnwinsagain
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
QUICK! FILL THE BATH WITH MACHINE TOOLS!
What's Dean Martin's favourite eel?
That's a moray
@liam_ohare