2012: The Impenetrable Click's User Guide

You are waiting at a bus stop, and the bloody thing just isn't coming. Maybe you just missed the last bus by a quantum particle; maybe there has been a delay in traffic. Either way, if you had known that you would be waiting so long, you would have made a tuna sandwich. You could be eating a tuna sandwich right now, and it's the bus's fault. You hate buses. You hate them. If only you had known the future!

On behalf of sandwiches everywhere, The Impenetrable Click are proud to reveal to The Skinny's readership that we have constructed a supercomputer capable of predicting future events. It's made of cardboard and disappointment. Strap on your learning pants and dig these forecastings before Ladbrokes shuts down our whole operation.

Realising that, by building our computer, we had brought about the Technological Singularity where artificial intelligence surpasses the human capacity for reasoning, we hesitantly asked our supercomputer if this would bring about a robot apocalypse. He told us no, things will be fine and humans will be treated very well in return for our energy blood.

In finance, in a bid to fix Italy's financial woes, new Prime Minister Mario 'Super Mario' Monti causes an international furore by kicking a shell at Nicolas Sarkozy before picking up Angela Merkel and jumping down a sewer. In response, France will appoint Sonic the Hedgehog as Finance Minister.

Closer to home, a constitutional crisis will beset the UK with revelations that David Cameron is actually a ventriloquist’s dummy operated by Nick Clegg. When asked for comment, Cameron said, "gottle o' geer, gottle o' geer" before his jaw fell off.

Bereft of Steve Jobs, Apple releases the new iPhone 5, a revolutionary smart phone designed around a cup and string. Millions queue for days to buy the new must-have item, but sales take a dip after revelations of reception problems caused by many of the strings being too short. Samsung immediately releases a design based on a coffee mug and fishing wire; lawsuits follow. Sales of both are overshadowed by the release of the Hoverboard, a new invention that makes chess interesting.

In the Americas, Paraguay elects a goat as president; nobody notices. More interestingly, Fidel Castro finally kicks the bucket. We didn't even use the computer for this one.

In July, a great hurricane will batter the British Isles. All of Ireland sinks, apart from County Cork, found bobbing aimlessly at sea.

On 21 December, thousands will gather at the largest Mayan temple, La Danta, for the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar and, possibly, the world. They watch with bated breath as a small flap at the top of the temple opens and a square of chocolate falls out. The Mayans subsequently release a new calendar featuring firemen dressed as Cliff Richard.

Cliff Richard will expire on Christmas Eve after bumping his head on a particularly tough piece of mistletoe and toppling backwards into a vat of wine.

So will end another lovely year on Earth. The Impenetrable Click hopes that your 2012 fortune cookie will be crispy, delicious and free at the end of every meal.

Oh, and by the way, your bus is going to be late. Hope you've got mayonnaise!