Murder at the Golden Lion: Bloody Scotland returns

The suspects were gathered in the bar of the Golden Lion Hotel in Stirling. The Great Detective fiddled with his moustache as he examined them all; a motley bunch to be sure. Some were grizzled from years of writing about police officers, while others were haunted by the view from the other side of the law. But they were all suspects, and surely one of them had to be responsible for organising a weekend of criminally good entertainment at the Bloody Scotland Festival over the weekend of the 9-11 September 2016?

The Great Detective rounded on Fife-born Val McDermid. In his distinctly accented tones (was he from France or Belgium? Even he couldn't be sure) the Detective said, "It's interesting isn't it, that you won't only be talking about your new novel, the magnificent Out of Bounds, at 3.45pm on 10 September..." McDermid's face remained unreadable. The Detective, undeterred, continued. "But you are also determined to make attendees to the festival stretch their little grey cells, even after the festival has ended. After all, the Val McDermid Escape Room – a fiendishly challenging live escape game, will be running from the opening of the festival right up until 13 September."

Before McDermid could answer, the Detective spun away to face another of his unusually large number of assembled suspects. He smiled to himself. Not even Hercule Poirot had ever been faced with such a gathering. "But some people here are not what they claim to be." He stared directly at a group of individuals who were trying not to meet his eye. G.J. Brown, Steve Cavanagh and Mason Cross hesitantly waved an American flag. "You all claim to be American, and yet despite writing books set in the USA, two of you hail from Scotland and the third is Irish!" But he didn't have time to deal with them. After all, his colleague, Catriona McPherson would be sorting out their identities during the (Not) Born in the USA panel on 11 September at 1.30pm.

No, there were other, more devious minds in the room. Even some – including Ian Rankin and Mark Billingham – who were claiming to be football players. Yes, the traditional Scotland Crime Writers vs England Crime Writers match was due to take place. But the players looked too exhausted to be involved in any devious activity. And that was before kick-off even took place on 10 September at 2pm. The Great Detective, however, did note that the English team looked nervous. After all they had lost nearly every year so far, except for a 5-5 draw the year before.

"Excuse me," a voice said, "But having written about a French detective, I'm not really that convinced by your accent." The Great Detective found himself face to face (face to chest, really, as the speaker was surprisingly tall) with 2016 Man Booker longlisted author of His Bloody Project, Graeme MacRae Burnet, who was standing alongside Craig Russell and Michael Ridpath. All three authors had written about European detectives and would be talking about Writing in Exile on 11 September at 1.30pm.

This was getting out of control. The Great Detective had planned a flourish to end his display of genius, but now people were interrupting him? Intolerable! He tugged at his moustache and considered how to regain control of the situation when, out of the corner of his eye, he saw two suspects who looked even more dangerous than the rest. US author Alexandra Sokoloff and journalist and film-maker Neil MacKay were drinking what the Great Detective could only hope was red wine. But he couldn't be certain. After all, they would be talking about how their crime novels merged with the horror genre on 11 September at 3.15pm.

The room was out of control, now. No one was listening to him. Over at the bar, Louise Welsh, Lesley Thompson and Liam Murray Bell were deciding how best to teach aspiring writers during their Masterclasses that would run from 9am to 5pm on 9 September, while Mark Billingham and country band My Darling Clementine were tuning up in preparation for their unusual and highly entertaining mix of crime and music that had gone down a storm with audiences across the country and was coming to Stirling on 10 September at 8.15pm.

"Will you all listen to me!" The Detective shouted. "I am trying to show you my supreme skill and deductive technique!"

Glasgow crime writer Craig Robertson laid a hand on the Great Detective's shoulder. "I know you want to be heard," he said, "So maybe you can come along to Crime at the Coo on 10 September at 8.30pm where we'll be taking over the Curly Coo pub for a crime fiction cabaret. You might get a slot after the Slice Girls, although we’re very packed."

The Great Detective thought perhaps, instead, he could take a Spotlight Session between some of the main events, where upcoming writers would introduce their works to readers before the main panels. After all, wasn't that one of the things that the Bloody Scotland Festival was good at? Giving a chance to new and unusual voices?

Certainly, Alex Gray seemed to be doing just that. As the chair of the New Crimes Panel on 10 September at 2pm it was her job to introduce new writers to the assembled fans of crime fiction who were hungry for new stories and new ideas. This year, The Great Detective noted, she had assembled a criminally good roster of emerging talent including Abir Mukherjee, whose debut novel, A Rising Man, had won the Telegraph's new writing award; Brooke Magnanti, whose debut skewered post Independence Referendum politics (and who was also appearing on a Sex and the Internet panel with Helen Fitzgerald on 10 September at 3.45pm); Theresa Talbot, who showed a new side to her familiar BBC personality with her dark tale of the Magdalen Laundries, Penance; and Martin Cathcart Foden whose Dundee Prize winning novel Devil Take the Hindmost managed the seemingly impossible by mixing bike racing with noir.

Maybe the Great Detective's suspect was someone already known in some other area of the country, and not in Stirling? Looking over the Scotland the Grave panel that was due to start at 12.15pm on 10 September, the Great Detective considered one final group of suspects. There was Douglas Skelton, who claimed Glasgow as his home turf. Gillian Galbraith, who claimed that Edinburgh was the greatest of all Scottish locations for crime fiction. Catriona McPherson was making the case for Galloway being the beating criminal heart of Scotland, while Russel D McLean was claiming not to have switched allegiance for Glasgow despite it being the setting for his latest novel And When I Die, and was passionately explaining why Dundee was the finest location for criminal shenanigans.

Deciding he needed to bring this to a close, The Great Detective closed his eyes, savouring the moment, "You're all guilty!" he cried. "All of you are responsible for bringing criminally good entertainment to Stirling in September!"