Ask Fred: Independence

Independence: it’s not just something aliens explode and Nicholas Cage steals. It’s an ideal that people strive for; a social revolution, without all the skirts and flamboyant makeup. This year, Scotland gets to vote on it. It’s confusing, and throws up many questions. I aim to answer them. Well, two of them.

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Dear Fred,

I’m really worried about this Scottish Independence thing. I cannot bear to see the country torn apart. As a man with Scottish ancestry, the referendum is personal to me. I’m very much against it, but everyone close to me is urging me not to get involved.  Also, the SNP leader called me a “big feartie” for not agreeing to a debate with him.

This vote matters to all our futures; everyone in the UK can have a voice in this debate. Frankly, I care far too much to stay out of it. This is personal. My surname goes back to the West Highlands and I am as proud of my Scottish heritage as I am of my English. The name Cameron might mean ‘crooked nose’ but the clan motto is ‘Let Us Unite,’ and that is exactly what we in these islands have done.

I really want to have my voice heard in Scotland, but I’m awful scared.

Please help.

DC

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It’s okay to be scared. Fear is just human nature. It’s a survival instinct, serving us since the dawn of time. Without fear, Shaggy and the Mystery Gang would be explaining why the corpse of their great dane smells of glow-in-the-dark pirate penis. It keeps kids out of haunted dracula castles and curious villagers away from Katie Hopkins’ eggs. It’s an unpleasant, but essential emotion. Perhaps you need to explore the reasons behind your fear?

It can’t be because you think Scotland is scary – you visited a refugee camp in Syria last year, and that’s a million times scarier than Scotland. Seriously, 'trying not to explode' is the number one pastime next to a charming game of 'guess that smell' (SPOILER: it’s always sarin). If you can confidently visit a place that may one day be cartographically identified by a smouldering crater and a spooky skeleton face, you can totally handle Scotland.

Scotland’s a lovely place, filled with friendly, relaxed, liberal people who just happen to share both a dream and a burning hatred of your everythings. Maybe you’re scared that everyone in Scotland hates you so much, your very presence will push the yes/no vote into a third category: FUCKING VERY? The crippling possibility that people suspect you’re a total shitlord is a bitter, deadly-bee-filled pill to swallow. But swallow it you must.

When you put yourself out there, someone will tell you where to go fuck yourself, and exactly how hard (extremely).  Being in the public eye, it’s an occupational hazard. Every day, my inbox fills with polite murder threats and blurry genital pictures – and I only write clever vagina jokes for an arts and culture magazine. You’re the Prime Minister of Britain; people fling so much bile at you, your Twitter account must be a long, wordless scream. Point is, you’re used to being hated. The only difference is the people here who identify you as a cunt eat shortbread.

If it helps, we all hate Alex Salmond too, but this vote was never about personalities. It’s bigger than you both. It’s about hope, opportunity and a historic possibility of change. The vote is for the direction we take and we couldn’t give a fuck if it’s Dracula or Wolfman selling us the map. At the end of the day, we’ll pick the map that sounds the safest, kick you both in the balls and vote ‘Sexy Frankenstein.’  

Maybe it’s actually Salmond who’s got you shitting your pants? Jesus – you’re being served by a man reduced to screaming quotes from The Broons. If you sit back and take it, you’ll be considered such a pussy, airlines will charge you for two seats: one for you, and one for your enormous clitoris. Good work, Cameron. I might not be a politician, but I’ve never lost an almost-contest to someone who looks like a scribble of a ‘Disappointing Merman’ in Pictionary.

If you really care about Scotland staying in the union, you can’t cower on the sidelines. You need to be there. For a man who ‘doesn’t want to get involved,’ you’re debating it on every goddamn forum except in Scotland. It’s like you signed up for a Craigslist orgy, but decided to just stand outside the window, making eye contact with everyone inside. Being scared when there is so much at stake is ridiculous. Get in the game. Stand proudly next to the merman and sell us your fucking map.

P.S. Suggesting that this debate is personal because of your distant Scottish heritage is like trying to join the Black Panthers because you once grazed a black man’s hair. Point-scoring shit like that really pisses us off.

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Dear Fred,

I’m really confused as to which way to vote on Independence. Should I vote YES, or Should I vote NO? Please advise.

Sincerely,

Meggy-Moo

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I can’t tell you how to vote. I can tell you which Robocop movie goes best with oral (all three) or what is or isn’t safe to put in your mouth, but a vote for, or against Scottish Independence is a personal decision. It should be based on facts and individualism; but facts haven’t been popular since we learned why the horse screams were coming out of the lasagne factory. Confusion is natural; the whole debate has become a mess that feels like I’m accidentally flipping between Braveheart and Escape from New York.

What should have been a calm, honest discussion of the pros and cons of leaving the union, has turned into a bewildering clusterfuck. It swings so wildly between foaming nationalism and screaming fear-mongering, I don’t know whether to get an erection or grab my nunchucks. On one side we have the patriotic bellowing of Alex Salmond, painting a glorious future of happiness and freedom, and on the other we have David Cameron, taking every opportunity to tell us the split will result in the economic equivalent of a centipede enema.

The problem is, neither of these views contain anything substantial enough for us to bet our futures on. Somewhere in the internet, there’s an argument on who’d win in a fight between Batman and Dalton from Roadhouse that contains more empirical evidence than the one surrounding Independence.

Do we want a say on what countries we explode the fuck out of, or do we feel safer together? Do we want an army comprised of eight guys (one of whom took a class in jiu jitsu when he was 12), or do we want to hunt and kill posties for sport? I really don’t have a clue. I guess you could always take Russell Brand’s advice and NOT vote. If you can’t trust the opinion of a millionaire who smells of stale Katy Perry, who can you trust?

I can’t, and won’t tell you what to vote, but I will tell you to TOTALLY, EXACTLY VOTE SOMETHING. And vote it hard.

Whether you want Independence or not, this is your chance to be heard. Aside from sending future-me a 3am text that reads: "Enjoy the hangover, asshole,” how often do we get that chance?