Crystal Baws: June 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
Like some sort of Hannibal Blumenthal you open the UK’s first human bell-end restaurant, blowing diners away with your exotic award-winning cuisine. From a steaming bowl of bell-end soup to spicy bell-end tempura, critics rave about the freshness of the ingredients, but a few bitter human rights campaigners picket the restaurant. You address the allegations that the humans are thrown back after their bell-ends have been harvested, assuring the media that all ingredients come from “sustainable sources.” You even hint that a human being has the ability to regrow the bell-end once removed, and that since it probably contains no major nerve endings the procedure is completely painless.

TAURUS
Kerry Katona has written more books than you ever will.

GEMINI
There’s nothing better than getting home, putting your feet up and lighting your methane-rich farts.

CANCER
You shouldn’t really be using the centrifuge at the lab for drying your underwear, but you have a big date on the Friday and need fresh pants. A single pube is left hurtling around the accelerator all weekend. Returning on Monday you discover something remarkable – you have inadvertently isolated pure pube! Theorised for decades, the sheets of pube atoms possess a conductivity 10,000x higher than copper and 5,000x stronger than steel. You dream of a glorious future where all computer chips, kitchen worktops and drinking bottles are made from pube technology.

LEO
It takes a big person to admit that they can only get out of their house by having firemen take the roof off and remove them with a crane.

VIRGO
This month the Tories raise the retirement age to +1 whatever your age is, a perpetual carrot dangling in front of your wrinkly, emaciated mouth.

LIBRA
You discover a family member after they’ve taken an overdose of helium, too late to save their life. They do however have time for a few emotionally loaded yet comically high-pitched last words.

SCORPIO
If STDs were a game of bingo you’d have won a car, a washing machine and a holiday for one in Tenerife.

SAGITTARIUS
Attending a PTA meeting about your daughter with the infamous demon headmaster, you enter the assembly hall to find him calmly sitting on a throne of skulls, a swirling cloud of blood mist enveloping his viscera-drenched horns. Taking a seat, he occasionally belches wasps as he explains that Stacey’s attendance has been satisfactory but she needs to knuckle down and concentrate in the run up to her GCSEs.

CAPRICORN
This month Right Guard develop an anti-perspirant so powerful it stops turds coming out of your body, giving you full 24-hour round the clock protection at work or play.

AQUARIUS
Suffering from a voracious bout of feminine rotting, your doctor prescribes a twelve week course of Quim Relief with Rot-B-Gone technology.

PISCES
The nits on your head have uncovered evidence of a mind-shattering conspiracy that their planet might actually be hollow.