Crystal Baws: April 2012 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 02 Apr 2012

ARIES

April sees you take David Cameron’s Thomas The Tank Engine face, cut it off, stick it to a real train and then crash it into another train with his screaming, faceless body crucified on the front. I love you.

TAURUS

You and your job go together like white wine, red wine and then white wine again, i.e. the result is inevitably a carpet squelching with red vomit.

GEMINI

Of course you don’t see women as sex objects. The vase that you masturbate into is a sex object.

CANCER

With Mars and Saturn already retrograde, be ever, ever so slightly afraid. Top pseudoscientists on the internet have discovered this will absolutely, definitely, 100% sure this time*, be the last April we will all ever see. (*Probably)

LEO

Your April turns you into a reverse Sisyphus: instead of pushing the rock only to then see it fall, your destined eternity involves digging a bottomless pit that’s endlessly refilling with fresh shit.

VIRGO

Yes, the Twin Towers was a hologram blown up by an Illuminati hang-glider piloted by a brainwashed ghost. Your powers of reason can do no wrong in April.

LIBRA

This month you read Heat magazine to discover that Katie Price has gone into competition with Fisher Price, producing her own range of toddler items based on her experiences as a mother, including a cast iron cage, tree trunk-thick manacles and a multi-coloured water cannon and taser unit.

SCORPIO

Your terrorist cell is set to be ridiculed among your peers after “9/11 2”. Putting all the clocks on the local library computers forward by 15 minutes won’t earn you any press. Furthermore, letting off stink bombs on the antiquated SPT subway system is just childish.

SAGITTARIUS

Yes, taking the bins out is rather like your house is having a poo. Ergo, it stands to reason that you’re both its digestive tract and bum ring. Appropriate.

CAPRICORN

When actual scientists observe an electron its probability wave collapses and it falls out of superposition. Yet, somehow, when a Caucasian with dreadlocks like you observes an electron, all of a sudden it starts radiating energy at the frequency of healing love. Here’s a thought: quit joyriding the work of real physicists and stop tacking your own outlandish, preconceived opinions to quantum mechanics. 

AQUARIUS

Aquarians are bastards.

PISCES

You have a bad habit of believing that the universe isn’t a meaningless, feelingless void; that it should stop doing what it’s been doing for 14 billion years because you’re suddenly here. You work in a call centre for Christ’s sake. The only thing that’s “meant to be” is that you shut up and make the next call.