Crystal Baws: July Horoscopes

ARIES

As the Universe expands the temperature will cool to absolute zero, the void will slow to an entropic husk and nothing will exist to even observe how bleak everything has become. As for June, you mull over the quandary of whether you should buy a new sofa to match the curtains you bought in December to match the carpets you bought in May.

TAURUS

Stop sinning. The deficit’s getting ridiculous. You already owe about 10 Christs-worth of sin.

GEMINI

You’re going out with a girl? Are you insane? What about the tree house? The blood pact? Did all those summer afternoons playing army and drinking pop mean nothing to you? I guess I’m just supposed to forget about the times we sat picking scabs, laughing at the bum noises we made with our mouths? You’ve ruined everything. I want my Boglin back too.

CANCER

That community production of Show Boat your wife makes you go to becomes infinitely more entertaining when, halfway through Act 2, you introduce a flame-thrower into the mix.

LEO

That rich, creamy and indulgent chocolate bar you bought dead-eyed at the Co-Op will fail to take the edge off your gnawing Kafkaesque misery this month.

VIRGO

Fuck your God and the donkey he rode in on.

LIBRA

Due to the inability of gigantic balls of spinning gas to refrain from meddling in human affairs you will stub your toe in July because of Jupiter.

SCORPIO

I’ve stored that Frijj bottle full of acid on top of your kitchen door for safety purposes. I thought one of the kids might drink it by mistake if I left it on the work surface by that flashing ‘DRINK THIS’ sign. They can’t reach it up there. Thank me later.

SAGITTARIUS

Pagan hell-god Nyarlathotep the Crawling Chaos enters your 5th house of Absolute Torment & Career Development in July. Limber up to sob. Hard.

CAPRICORN

The moon enters your point zone, doubling your Pluto bonus multiplier by five and rotating you to the top of the Zodiac leaderboard, earning you a holiday for two in Stoke. You also have enough gravity tokens left over to go double or nothing in the Solstice round.

AQUARIUS

You’re merely working your way through the scum filters towards The Jeremy Kyle Show. Rejoice in life’s problems. Think end-game.

PISCES

You accidentally run over a gypsy's cat this month. I am that gypsy. That is my cat. Snuffy’s literally itching to be martyred since I assured him a harem of 72 feline virgins in Ulthar, promised land of cats. His tuna-powered limbs will kamikaze his body under your cruel wheels with blind faith so I can curse the living shit out of you.