Crystal Baws: June Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 01 Jun 2011

ARIES

In June jam jar-spectacled physicists at the LHC discover the elusive graviton and its anti-particle. Don’t shell out for those Nike Airs. In 6 months you’ll be the proud owner of a pair of anti-gravity Doc Martin’s. You'll be able to bully Peter Pan for his lunch money. Give him a merciless, screaming wedgie from me, with extreme prejudice.

TAURUS

Limit the metallic content of your vajazzle this month to ensure that cheeky electro-magnet operator at the junkyard you pass going to work doesn’t get the chance rip off your junk, yelling: “Wheyheyhey!” as a red rain of sequins and blood fall from the sky onto your despairing face.

GEMINI

Why do you need praising by everyone every day? You're worse than God, or P. Diddy. Take it down a notch. Even Rod Stewart didn’t have a jacuzzi in his jacuzzi.

CANCER

Rush into the hairdressers and bellow: “GIVE ME A LOGAN’S RUN! STAT!”

LEO

New pals don’t understand you because they’ve not seen the “real you” within yet. Stop being so shy. Surgically remove the top of your skull and show ’em the sassy, outgoing blob of electric jelly hiding inside it.

VIRGO

Better get used to suffering. You’re merely a meat robot, acquiescing to chemical memos your genes send you every second of every hour of every single day. It’s the reason they’re immortal and you’re just tomorrow’s maggot scran.

LIBRA

According to theological doctrine a freshy-crucified Jesus visited hell to peruse the excellent facilities after his death, including a tour of Medusa's executive torture suite near the Walls of Dis. He then left. Unfortunately when you croak it in June you can't. Don't fret though: my oracles will be following developments in the bowel below like some sort of inter-realm iPlayer. You bring the screaming, I'll watch until my popcorn runs out and my balls are wrung empty.

SCORPIO

You are good in bed. By that I don’t mean you’re good in bed, I’m just implying the world has no other use for you. Stay there.

SAGITTARIUS

After you turn your entire family into a luxury range of leather goods those meddling in-laws start to ask you some pretty pressing questions. Bolt for the airport with the holdall you Leatherfaced out of your husband’s skin, immediately.

CAPRICORN

The sound of sobbing reverberates around your newly refurbished home in June.

AQUARIUS

This June you finally give up on romance and get a few ribs removed instead, thereafter becoming a human ouroboros, remorselessly blowjobbing all nutrients out of itself until it perishes of ravenous, euphoric starvation.

PISCES

Once again, sorry Pisceans. In ten minutes I’m meeting Derek Acorah in the Necropolis with a bottle of Frosty Jack’s to spend the weekend letting lascivious demons joyride our bodies.