Crystal Baws: May 2012 Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 02 May 2012
ARIES You’ve always told people you were an 'animal lover' but no-one ever thought you meant literally. In May you experience love at first sight when you and a sheep...
Blogs > Crystal Baws
Crystal Baws: April 2012 Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 02 April 2012ARIES April sees you take David Cameron’s Thomas The Tank Engine face, cut it off, stick it to a real train and then crash it into another train with his...
Crystal Baws: March 2012 Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 28 February 2012ARIES Saturn’s adverse ring angle means you find yourself still inhabiting a rat-infested basement with a broken toilet and no lights in March. Try not to weep as you attempt...
Crystal Baws: February 2012 Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 February 2012ARIESThis month you finally find your soul mate. Lucky for you it turns out to be twins.TAURUS10 minutes after taking the red pill you’re still enthusiastic about dropping out of...
Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 11 January 2012ARIESAfter going off the rails at New Year and thereafter orbiting through a belt of her own sick astronomers discover Venus is pregnant with another planet. Her mass increases until...
Esoteric Spiritual Christmas Gifts from Mystic Mark
By MYSTIC MARK and DARREN ICKE. Published 05 December 2011During my travels throughout this gullible globe I have met many like me, who are seekers. Seekers of wisdom and truth alike, yes, but also seekers of something far more...
Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 December 2011ARIESMercury is lubing up for another lunge at your orbit. Brace yourself for both good and bad news. The bad news is, despite taking a police baton to the head...
Crystal Baws - November Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 November 2011ARIES You commence November still wriggling on that spike you fell on in October like a grub on a hook, desperately trying to reach your mobile phone with your toes...
Crystal Baws: October Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 30 September 2011ARIESIn October you finally fall on that spike all your friends bought you for your birthday back in April.TAURUSThis month you suffer a suspiciously realistic dream about having sex with...
Crystal Baws: September Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 31 August 2011ARIES Your trackie bottoms become so far stuck up your crack this month your hungry arse begins to digest polyester and your cells start to reconstitute the molecules as part...
Crystal Baws: August Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 August 2011ARIES A ghostly aura of ethereal bluebottles orbits your gapingly open mind. You might want to have that seen to. At least clean around the rim. Disinfect the U-bend of...
Crystal Baws: July Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 July 2011ARIES As the Universe expands the temperature will cool to absolute zero, the void will slow to an entropic husk and nothing will exist to even observe how bleak everything...
Crystal Baws: June Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 June 2011ARIES In June jam jar-spectacled physicists at the LHC discover the elusive graviton and its anti-particle. Don’t shell out for those Nike Airs. In 6 months you’ll be the proud...
Crystal Baws: May Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 02 May 2011ARIES It's not you that's a bad loser, it's that everyone else is a bad winner. Will you ever win in the sexual marketplace? The charts say no. The charts...
Crystal Baws: April Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 05 April 2011ARIES April sees you drift so far up shit creek you're desperately attempting to sculpt a jobby paddle out of handfuls of floating faeces before Mt. Shit erupts and you...
Crystal Baws: March Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 March 2011ARIES Despite the energetic kneecap-breaking efforts of your secret police in early Spring, the rising prices of food drive the lumpen proletariat into furiously storming your palaces. To avoid the...
Crystal Baws: Valentine's Horoscope Special
By Mystic Mark. Published 01 February 2011ARIES Valentine's Day. And you don't have a date! Don't worry, once the zombie apocalypse comes you'll be able to have the date of your dreams. Next year you can...
Crystal Baws: 2011 Year Planner
By "Mystic" Mark Tolsen. Published 06 January 2011ARIES Shat into being by the Big Bang. In and out of great supernovae we were flung in our aeon-long paths in our various pieces across the vacuum; pulled, squashed,...
Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes
By Mystic Mark. Published 05 January 2011ARIES Oh hai Arians! Whilst watching The Room on DVD you start the new year by forming a spiritually unbreakable bond of empathy with Tommy Wiseau. Thereafter you finally “understand...
Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes
By Mark Tolson. Published 01 December 2010ARIES Yeah, it’s Christmas, but a miracle? Meant to be? Are you serious? What, you think God flies over all the war and famine in the world to come and...
