ARIES After fitting a new kitchen, the plumber accidentally connects your water pipes up to Europe’s largest Industrial Sperm Bank complex. Taking a shower after work, the boiler rumbles and...
ARIES April sees you discover a demonic real-life computer game cheat written in an ancient grimoire. Jump, jump, blink, blink, squat, step forwards, step backwards, wink. All of a sudden...
Our regular seer and prognosticator Mystic Mark predicts that March will end horribly. For everyone
ARIESWhile scuba diving this month you accidentally mix-up your oxygen tank with a pressurised colostomy tank. The first breaths taste of farts so you toggle the pressure gauge thinking it...
ARIESThis month a fully-operational Death Star moves into your chart while searching out remaining Rebel bases in the Hoth system, inadvertently detecting the planet which governs Aries hopes and ambitions....
A guide to your month ahead from resident psychic Mystic Mark...
Sometimes the Yuletide spirit touches us in places we rather it didn’t. Mystic Mark and Dr. Darren Icke take an eye-opening journey inside the industrial heart of the Christmas season...
ARIES Your soul is so jam-packed and weighed down with demons that your local witch-doctor finally classifies it as ‘morbidly obese.’ You should concentrate on doing as much exorcising as...
Shelly, 29, from Aberdeen will chill your spine with this paranormal tale...“When I woke up at my boyfriend’s house covered in ghostly ectoplasm there could only be one explanation –...
ARIES Your intestinal parasite has gotten rather large lately, and this month things cross a very special barrier when you finally become the parasite trapped inside its body. With your...
ARIES When the star M38b unexpectedly goes supernova in September an entire section of your personality suddenly disappears. It is the astrological equivalent of a stroke. The situation deepens mid-month...
ARIES This month your local priest finally agrees to consecrate your bottle of Buckfast, thus adding a heavy dose of caffeine, sodium glycerophosphate, dipotassium phosphate and disodium phosphate to Christ’s...
ARIESThrough your Fisher Price binoculars you spot more UFOs. This time there are thousands of them, looking almost exactly like love heart balloons. You catalogue their appearance in your Big...
Ready to find out what June has in store for you? What do you mean, no?! Gaze into our Crystal Baws. We command you...
ARIES You’ve always told people you were an 'animal lover' but no-one ever thought you meant literally. In May you experience love at first sight when you and a sheep...
ARIES April sees you take David Cameron’s Thomas The Tank Engine face, cut it off, stick it to a real train and then crash it into another train with his...
ARIES Saturn’s adverse ring angle means you find yourself still inhabiting a rat-infested basement with a broken toilet and no lights in March. Try not to weep as you attempt...
ARIESThis month you finally find your soul mate. Lucky for you it turns out to be twins.TAURUS10 minutes after taking the red pill you’re still enthusiastic about dropping out of...
ARIESAfter going off the rails at New Year and thereafter orbiting through a belt of her own sick astronomers discover Venus is pregnant with another planet. Her mass increases until...
During my travels throughout this gullible globe I have met many like me, who are seekers. Seekers of wisdom and truth alike, yes, but also seekers of something far more...
