Penomania: A guide to pens

THE PAINT PEN (POSCA)

Ah, the mighty paint pen. Unknown to some, this is paint… in a pen. Can you control its power? You hold the potential to scrawl over bloody anything. The fact that it comes shrinkwrapped should be a warning to you – handle with care. 

Often kept under lock and key behind counters in art shops, you need to be in on the game to get ahold of that Posca. And then do you know which width and colour you’re asking for? Getting a paint pen habit is much like getting a vinyl collecting habit – revel in your detailed and obscure knowledge. It isn't a cheap habit, but it's one that could get you nominated for the Turner Prize.* Like internationally renowned artist David Shrigley, who confessed to us once in an interview that he has several boxes of them, and while “there’s a different pen for a different task isn’t there,” Posca pens were his weapon of choice.

You suddenly have a serious urge to rush out and bag yourself one of these bad boys so you can start scrawling sarcastic, self-loathing depictions of how horrible modern day life is, don’t you?

THE BALLPOINT (BIC BIRO)

Biro users of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but… another ballpoint pen. What, ballpoint not good enough for you? Clearly above them, writing with your Muji pen or whatever? Pfff!

Millions of ballpoints are manufactured and sold daily. Commonly referred to as biros after their inventor Laszlo Biro, in France they call them Bics after their most popular ballpoint brand. Ballpoints offer the ultimate in pen democracy – you don’t need to worry about losing them. There will always be another biro. Whether it is the classic Bic, or one of the dozen branded freebies – emblazoned with logos, charities and hotels – that you're hoarding in a drawer, when somebody asks for a pen they get handed a biro.

And everybody is on the act. So liberal is the ballpoint that it has been adopted by the art world even more ferociously than it is revered by common sense Joe Public. The tool of the dreamer, the doodler, the mischief maker. Some artists will swear by the fine tonal range you get from a ballpoint, which is unlike any other pen. With other pens it is either on or off, aside from some crafty hatching. But don’t talk to ballpoints about hatching! They’ll hatch a photo-realistic portrait of you eating humble pie quicker than you can say “I’ve got to get off the phone now.”

And by ‘artist’ we don’t just mean that guy who spends all his time in the flat below you eating beans. Andy Warhol, Alberto Giacometti and Cy Twombly were all early adopters of the ballpoint. And Damien Hirst sold a ballpoint pen doodle of a shark drawn in 1991 for £4,664 a couple of years ago. Of course he did.

• Damien Hirst's shark drawing 

THE FOUNTAIN (PILOT VPEN)

Well good evening, sir. May I take your jacket for you? Why, what a lovely pen you have there.

If your school days happened after the 1960s it's unlikely you've had much cause to use a fountain pen. Unless you're someone who likes to do things the old fashioned way – you enjoy the ritual of the cartridge changes, the pride and dignity of looking after a real world object. You see greater significance in the everyday – in process. Those ink splodges on your hands are the laurels of a craftsman at work, not an antiquated school child.

If this is you, you're not alone – fountain pen sales are rising. But you're entering into some dangerous territory. Silly money territory. You can spend £3,500 on a fountain pen; one even sold for £4.8 million back in 2010. In the world of luxury goods, buying a £450 Mountblanc to match the rest of your fine assets is de rigeur. We’re far too polite to point out that beyond the £150 mark you're not buying a better writing experience, you're buying additional barrel ornamentation.

Neil Gaiman is probably the instrument’s most outspoken supporter, but many authors claim to scribe by fountain pen (bet they still all have laptops though). He’s got over 50 of them, enjoying a different pen each novel and alternating between two pens to keep track of his daily output.

MARKER (SHARPIE)

The pen for the demigod, surely? When you're not wading through crowds signing balls, shirts, books, arms etc you are scribing down brilliant ideas on flip charts or the backs of cafe napkins. Don’t hold this fella back, he's wielding a Sharpie. Different colours – different ideas; they can transfer your thoughts into one of those mind map flow chart things that only you can really understand. Whether you're sculpting ideas with a chisel point, or firing out rounds of autographs with a bullet point, make your mark permanent with a Sharpie marker. Is there a pair of balls to go with that Sharpie?

David Beckham officially endorses Sharpie – that’s the kind of company you keep.

GEL INK (MUJI)

Leaving those biros firmly behind, the more recent invention of the gel ink pen is a modern pen for a modern person.

Pulling out your Muji shows that you know about pens. You might get excited about other pretentious pens, but Muji is your staple – your workhorse tool of choice. You are probably a designer, or have some kind of design affiliation. Strutting in your black polo top and Fair Trade shoes telling people that “they don’t know real coffee,” sometimes you can’t express your ideas down on your ubiquitous Macbook – you need a Muji pen.

Every now and then, some imposter comes along and tells you about a must-have Pilot or Kuretaki – or heaven forbid, a Staedtler or Faber-Castell – that makes you question your faith. You just stare blankly at them as if they’ve just told you the world is flat. Another pen? How can that be?