Going with the flow

There are dozens of euphemisms to signify that sex is out of bounds during menstruation. Lily Dumont asks why this notion persists

Feature by Lily Dumont | 28 Oct 2008

Menstruation is still one of society’s biggest taboos - if you don’t believe me, start up a graphic conversation about mooncups with a bunch of lads and see how far you get. To an extent, this is perfectly understandable. Aside from the fact that most women will remember the moment they started their first period with shivering clarity (and we all saw Carrie), we associate blood with pain and suffering, with something being outside the body that should generally be inside.

Needless to say, when one taboo (sex) meets another (menses), the topic is avoided at all costs. In books about either subject, the two very rarely overlap and it’s often covered in a very clinical, tokenistic way. Do modern, sexual adults still feel the sting of shame and revulsion around periods? Do all the adverts for scented sanitary products reaffirm what the school nurse told us when girls and boys were ushered into separate rooms for ‘the talk’ – that periods are to be hushed up at all costs? Can I still have mind-blowing sex if I’m surfing the crimson wave?

So, I asked a few people about sex and menstruation. Women I spoke to felt mixed about it, to say the least. They reported various insecurities about smells and breaking the mood, but the main issue was mess. Stains on the bedclothes are a hassle, and not very sexy. A lesbian friend said she was really too tender and unsettled during her (very painful) periods to have sex, so it wasn’t so much a taboo as an impracticality. Not one of the women I spoke to about menstrual sex gave me a glowing, or even blasé, account, and some told horror stories (like one who started her period during the act of coitus and didn’t realise - whilst in a friend’s bed).

The men I spoke to, however, had a totally different story. Maybe this is because my informants were mostly sexual, liberal types aged from their mid-twenties up … but they couldn’t see what the issue was. Almost uniformly, the response was “If she wants to have sex, it doesn’t bother me, as long as she’s all right.” Variations on this were tales of the skill of pulling out their partners’ tampons with their teeth; one friend enjoying the slower, more sensuous nature of sex if his partner was horny but feeling a little sensitive; and another who had extended sessions with his partner in the shower after the ‘main event’.

Excuse me … what?! The awkward teenager in me was saying “Why don’t you find this yucky? Everything I’ve ever been told about periods said that if anyone else can tell you’re bleeding into your knickers, it spells social suicide.” I’m not saying that all men feel the same as my oversexed friendship group, but it would seem that men, especially those who have had live-in female partners, know the highs and lows of the menstrual woman and are well used to her. The fact that this was a near-revelation to me speaks volumes – the silence around this taboo area means women feel all icky and awkward about negotiating and having period-sex, but they don’t need to. To this end, here are my handy, cut-out-and-keep (ish) Period Sex Tips for Girls.

1.Do TELL your partner you’re on your period. Whispering it into his/her ear whilst in the midst of the act is not really advised as it could come as a bit of a shock. Timing is pretty much everything here – if they’re worth their salt, your lover will be aware that you’re still randy as all hell, whip out a dark coloured towel to put over the bedsheets, and carry on groping to unhook your bra.

2.Safety first. There are obvious increased risks of HIV transmission if there is blood flying around, so make sure you keep condoms handy, and latex gloves, if your partner has any tiny cuts on their fingers. Unprotected oral is largely ill-advised, so use a dental dam (though it’s possible to do without if you use certain types of menstrual protection – more of which in a minute – and stay focused on the clitoris rather than engaging in deep cunnilingus).

3.If you are very squeamish about mess, you can still engage in sexual activity whilst menstruating. A mooncup (a menstrual cup worn inside the vagina, designed to catch menstrual fluid) does mean that fairly shallow fingering is possible, owing to the conical shape, without any mess escaping. Alternatively, experiment with sea sponges (sterilised and reusable, they absorb the flow and are squashy so won’t be uncomfortable during sex) but make sure it has been changed recently or you may get a little splop of mess as the movement squishes the sponge. Sex workers swear by products such as Beppy’s Wet Tampons - a stringless, disposable alternative to something like the sea sponge – so they can carry on working during their periods. Note: none of these are contraceptive.

4.Find yourself a menstrual fetishist (or ‘menophilist’). The fetish manifests in various ways with varying levels of safety – from arousal from the pheromones and scent of a menstruating woman through to consuming the ‘contents’ of used sanitary products – but they won’t ever make you feel ashamed or awkward about menstruating during sexual activity, that’s for sure.

As ever, it all comes down to individual choice. It’s more difficult broaching such topics if you’re having casual sex, rather than sleeping with someone who has known you for an age, but it’s clear that menstrual sex does not have to be the anxious affair most women build it up to be. In fact, pardon the pun, it can be bloody marvellous.