On Not Having Sex

I haven’t had sex for a few years. It wasn’t exactly an intentional move, it more just sort of… happened. Even though I don’t imagine it’s that unusual, I’m still struggling a little to articulate and understand exactly how I’ve found myself in this position.

The last time I had sex was on Valentine’s Day. My girlfriend at the time had cooked a lovely dinner, and then we’d watched a film. We went through to the bedroom, but she was on her period so, rather than having full-blown sex, she went down on me.

It was fine and a nice conclusion to the evening. Unfortunately, that was the last time we connected in that way. I liked her a lot, but I wasn’t especially sexually attracted to her and that filtered into our sex life. She stayed at my flat a couple times after that and I made excuses rather than sleeping with her. It wasn’t like me. By then I’d gotten over most of my teenage hang-ups and had been enjoying one-night stands and casual sex more or less comfortably, as well as more long-term sexual relationships.

But with this particular woman I just wasn’t feeling ‘it.’ I felt awful, and guilty, and ended up breaking up with her soon after out of… fear. I shouldn’t have ended it as soon as I did, and the regret made me wary. I didn’t want a similar situation to happen again.

So I avoided getting sexually intimate. I told myself I was waiting for it to ‘mean’ something, a concept I had never believed in before. Somehow years passed. I got close to some people, dated, rolled around in beds. But when it came to the moment where the mood music would start to play in my mind I’d back off. I started to get scared that I wouldn’t feel ‘it’ again, that it would cause that same disappointment and hurt.

Because sexual rejection is difficult to deal with. The fact that very few of us actually verbalise our insecurities, our worries about sex, creates an environment in which misinterpretations and resentment can fester and grow.

I have a new boyfriend and the other night he turned to me and asked whether he had done something wrong, whether I was avoiding having sex with him because I didn’t find him attractive.

I didn’t know what to say. After all these years I still don’t know why I stopped having sex or when I’ll be ready again. I’m just not feeling ‘it.’ But I like being with him, sleeping next to him, kissing him, holding his hand… I just hope that’s enough for now. Sadly, I suspect it won’t be.